My love, what are you asking of me. I toiled and tryed. I spent my days in the fields staring at the sun until I cryed. I lack the understanding to stay with you, I lack the courage to leave. I dream of the days when you're the one making mistakes and I am the one choosing whether or not to forgive. You glorify me. I want to be the blessed one in more than your eyes. I dreamed of a man who kissed me in the morning when he woke, not the one rushing out the door as my eyes fell with sleep. There was this dream, the one I always refer to, the one with the situations of what I compare our relationship to. I wonder if it will come true, if its not you, because my dreams never lied to you. This always made me feel as though it was doomed from the start. But I felt that practing my life on you would be a good idea. I really saw no better option than to play and pretend. For a moment there I really thought I loved you. I really thought we could have made it to the end. But a kiss and I want to cry and I know I wasn't just lying to you. My heart sits in my chest completely untrained, completely lost. I hate that I was drawn to you because I felt as though I could tell you the truth. But I was just burdening you with my life. So I took this oath, that if you gave me an idea of commitment, I would tell you the truth. All the dirty, nasty stuff, finally set up limits for you so I could feel completely safe. But you took the confirmation away, so I continue to lie, even to this day. I will still lie because I know you deserve the best life I could never give and everytime I make the accident of writing 'lie,' not 'life,' and I see it as more than a typographical error. Its my brain, knowing the truth, and reducing my life down to a lie on paper. Mistake, mistake, its my minds hot shit way of forcing the truth I can't accept down my throat. I thought I was so fucking prepared, just another lie that I could handle this kind of situation. Never mind what I deserve, I don't think I could take being tied down. The simplest obligation is too much to bear. Ironically, its you who can't be attached. Even though I dreamed of the glory days, I always knew I would be the one at fault. At least I have that one truth, life and lies will always be my problem. Life's tears against your skin will always be made by my dull knife, whether you end up with me or not. Wouldn't you rather know your evildoer? Wouldn't you rather wake up to her face? Or is it better to never know where your pain comes from? Couldn't it be better if you stayed with me, then you could enjoy my few shreds of good? What good does it do to live alone? Baby, I know you could never live alone. I have been alone my whole life. Yes your life will be miserable with me, but it could be worse, you knowing I can do fine on my own, while you're searching the city streets for the light you know I keep. A simple yes or no to fate. In discussing this with this paper, I began where I start. I know not if I'll be better off with or without you. I have no clue. But this firm, concrete words are what I need to feel like its the truth. So make your decision, I'll sit and wait. I'll uphold my commitment to stay or go. I'll give you this point of never straying. My love, I tryed.
