Surviving.

Surviving that night was easier than expected. I did what I wanted to do and got my satisfaction in the end. Turned out my bruise faded faster than I expected. I had to jump right back on the horse, literally. Found someone who turned me on and we're on the same level. Younger than you but much more mature. You dropping your pants in a crowd sealed the deal. No way I was gonna be associated with that. So we played it cool till we got you to leave and a heart-to-heart, more like a tutoring session, but we both enjoyed it. But baby I got a lot more to learn that you ain't teachin', so I'll be on my way. You confirmed what I always knew from the thirf time we hung out. It was all about you getting some satisfaction, no matter how much you hurt me. I just wanna know how dumb you are to assume that eventually I would give it up while you still treated me like shit? Well this ain't worth finishing.

Ill. not the cool way.

Yup I got the kissing disease, mono. Which has made me look significantly different, some days unrecognizable and a general blob of grumpy. As well, asthma has been increased to the point where I have to take an inhaler twice daily and today I could only blow, barely a 350 on the flow meter. Now I have some sort of allergic reaction that involves very itchy hives. I need to pump more fluids. My brain is so active, but I can't do that much work, so I just feel like a lazy ass. Wow I have more to say, but I've officially faded that damn fast.

Its Just

Its just this sinking feeling I'm worried about. That if you knew the songs on repeat in my head, you would cry. You might understand me better, but if you just felt these songs the way I do...oh I can already see the sadness in your eyes. Just to know no matter how happy I am, I will never be fixed. The past will still just be mine and yours will always be yours. There is no way we can heal each other. We can only heal what we've done. But as I'm tired and so sick I still feel the pain you caused and I wish your sorry could last just as long. Oh god, if you read these, if you'd see n all I'd written and all I've sang, I feel it would break your heart. I'm such a sad case. Your lost, but your past has it all together. I'm jealous of all that you have. You and your trips, you've seen the beauty of the world and I've seen the worst I've had the greatest life and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I can't help to think what its like to be better off. I know I'm disappointing. No longer turned on, no longer brave. I can barely look you in the eye. But no matter the present, I still remember our past, when we were first meeting. It was my birthday party and I spent a lot of it with you. Its like a scene out of my favorite movie. But will it be just as perfect? I feel like if I expect you to be the last one, I'm denying myself some sort of freedom. I wonder if you're as scared of disappointing me as I am you. You have worried that I would be mad about things I just brushed off or didn't worry about at all. I wish you could just see that I was in pain and worry about that.Its silly but the only way I may believe you really care is just a kiss on the back of the head. It would mean much more to me than I think, anything. I'd feel like you were in this for real. Right now I think you just need a little closeness without the worry. If we're nothing, why worry? But this is my fourth full page of text I've hand written so you must mean something to me. I just can't figure out what it is, you wish for things and I wish I could give them to you. You are so simple, so delicate in your ways. My brash exterior pains on yours. Requests so simple, requests I just cannot fill. When you read these I do not want you to believe I lived with inner turmoil. I hope that's a wish of yours I can make come true. I do believe that you don't worry about me, but at the same time, I don't want you to. Even though I dream of a release, you needn't worry about my problems. I'll try to let everything be alright in the end. We've all got our own shit. Relationships share these problems, with us as nothing, we have no problems. An ugly rationale at that, but the only one I can believe at this point. The same path I keep over thinking. I'll see you tonight, as usual. Settling is our survival.

You chose,

You chose to stay. But you left just the same. You couldn't believe how you hurt me but you didn't oblige to make it better. Said you're sorry, asked if I bruised easily, asked if it hurt. I couldn't even look you in the eye, like I was the one in trouble. I'm still waiting for the punishment. You stayed and we sat together till we laid together. And you put your face on mine and let your eyelashes move my hair away like I mattered to you. I still just don't know if this is right. We kiss and it feels like nothing and I just wonder how it will end or how I can make it stop. We won't do again you promised, but that didn't work out for the first trys did it? You didn't attract me after you said you didn't want a relationship. I end up doing all the work myself after you leave. I'm starting to feel more alone than ever. Whe I reach out you draw away in fear. Yet I'm the one scared of you. I couldn't even tell you how yesterday was a good day because it involved me pretending you didn't exist, sleeping in, waking up to a text from a boy I seem to love, and eating my dinner without you. I feel bad because you have no idea of my reputation of hanging out with multiple guys at a time, and that's our agreement, that's our relationship. But we have nothing, so I can't really steer this ship straight. If you hadn't hurt me, hadn't implied I meant nothing, it would be easier for me to stay. I gave you the choice to stay by letting my heart take over. And I'll let you stay just for me to get some experience working things out. But I still think it would have been a better choice for you to leave. I'll call a truce, I won't do anything with anyone else till my, no your bruise fades. Two solid weeks for you to get your shit together. I still can't believe you chose to stay. Maybe that's I'm staying too, just 'cause I can't believe someone could like me this much. If you ask for this relationship I wouls like to say 'no,' but I know it's a small 'yes' I'll squeak before jumping your bones. This is the only thing I believe, that will give me the attraction to participating in all this damage you've done. All the small crimes are piling up, but I can't bear to part with you. I doubt you'll ever hold me accountable for my actions and walk out like I wished. A proper punishment, instead of the ones I never deserved. Even though we're staying aboard, this ship is sinking.

I Changed,

I changed my mind. When you asked me about a dream man, you already knew it wasn't you. At least you know me that well. And these lines need space like you and I. I realize that I thought I could keep this going because I'm chasing this idea of a relationship. I want to be able to finally care for someone knowing they are committed to me. I feel like I should call you just to let you know I'm evil. But I feel like I should probably tell this to your face, if I can. It started off so good. A truth was that men are attractive when they decide to be in a relationship or no. Hooking up, dating, official are all sexy because they have a definition. Being undefined, I never saw it getting better. I keep coming back to the reasons I like you, but if I really think about it, it doesn't outweigh the bad. You said you would listen to me when it came to me being uncomfortable. This was after I asked not to hook up, when you physically hurt me to the point where I could not hide it and cried. Soon later I asked you again to not go there, this time you left a mark. As it grew fast and faded slowly, I could only be reminded of our relationship. One great week, one terrible week, one recovery week, but not without pain. We are starting a new week now, and I wonder when I'll attempt to tell you. Thanks for the great week and sorry for the recovery week. After all it seems like we're just hooking up so I had to keep my regular 'hooking up persona.' I just needed to be myself for a second. I wish you let me be myself. I miss being aggressive and having fun when hooking up. Is my religion such a bad thing? When you've already gotten to know me why would you assume I belong to such a large stereotype? That defeats the point of dating, even though that's not what were doing. What the hell are we doing? Do you know how much it kills me to not know where we stand? You know what the hell I'm doing? Not breaking up with you. You saved me that trouble. So what the hell is the paper? This is your courtesy call. I feel everyone needs reasons and I want to do this nicely. Blame it on the religion or my 'lazy' mother. Be grateful, they're both helping you now. I could have decided to show Chris what you did and he would have your ass. You know what's sad? You take the philosophy out of me, reducing my eloquence. I don't appreciate it. You give me something to complain about, when before, I could boast about a guy who actually cared. I think you believe you care, but honestly, if you cared you would bother to see my pain. Was it a punishment? You were so promising, then it was your shows on my bed and your sweat on my sheets. I used to long for your smell to stay, not it's the first thing I get rid of. I think there's more than B.O. I need to get rid of. I can't stand for this. The only reason this took so long, long for me to step up and tell you to believe is because I honestly thought I could do no better than you. All I had to do was remember how I could so easily live alone, and how often I had dreamed of doing so. You couldn't remember a damn thing about me, so I'll find someone who can. Maybe I'll never find them, but I'll be okay. You can take the time to find out I wasn't worth hurting, but it won't be mine your wasting anymore. I got better shit to be doing. I got a life to be living. Tons to learn and tons to see. You can go now.