I Changed,

I changed my mind. When you asked me about a dream man, you already knew it wasn't you. At least you know me that well. And these lines need space like you and I. I realize that I thought I could keep this going because I'm chasing this idea of a relationship. I want to be able to finally care for someone knowing they are committed to me. I feel like I should call you just to let you know I'm evil. But I feel like I should probably tell this to your face, if I can. It started off so good. A truth was that men are attractive when they decide to be in a relationship or no. Hooking up, dating, official are all sexy because they have a definition. Being undefined, I never saw it getting better. I keep coming back to the reasons I like you, but if I really think about it, it doesn't outweigh the bad. You said you would listen to me when it came to me being uncomfortable. This was after I asked not to hook up, when you physically hurt me to the point where I could not hide it and cried. Soon later I asked you again to not go there, this time you left a mark. As it grew fast and faded slowly, I could only be reminded of our relationship. One great week, one terrible week, one recovery week, but not without pain. We are starting a new week now, and I wonder when I'll attempt to tell you. Thanks for the great week and sorry for the recovery week. After all it seems like we're just hooking up so I had to keep my regular 'hooking up persona.' I just needed to be myself for a second. I wish you let me be myself. I miss being aggressive and having fun when hooking up. Is my religion such a bad thing? When you've already gotten to know me why would you assume I belong to such a large stereotype? That defeats the point of dating, even though that's not what were doing. What the hell are we doing? Do you know how much it kills me to not know where we stand? You know what the hell I'm doing? Not breaking up with you. You saved me that trouble. So what the hell is the paper? This is your courtesy call. I feel everyone needs reasons and I want to do this nicely. Blame it on the religion or my 'lazy' mother. Be grateful, they're both helping you now. I could have decided to show Chris what you did and he would have your ass. You know what's sad? You take the philosophy out of me, reducing my eloquence. I don't appreciate it. You give me something to complain about, when before, I could boast about a guy who actually cared. I think you believe you care, but honestly, if you cared you would bother to see my pain. Was it a punishment? You were so promising, then it was your shows on my bed and your sweat on my sheets. I used to long for your smell to stay, not it's the first thing I get rid of. I think there's more than B.O. I need to get rid of. I can't stand for this. The only reason this took so long, long for me to step up and tell you to believe is because I honestly thought I could do no better than you. All I had to do was remember how I could so easily live alone, and how often I had dreamed of doing so. You couldn't remember a damn thing about me, so I'll find someone who can. Maybe I'll never find them, but I'll be okay. You can take the time to find out I wasn't worth hurting, but it won't be mine your wasting anymore. I got better shit to be doing. I got a life to be living. Tons to learn and tons to see. You can go now.