You chose,

You chose to stay. But you left just the same. You couldn't believe how you hurt me but you didn't oblige to make it better. Said you're sorry, asked if I bruised easily, asked if it hurt. I couldn't even look you in the eye, like I was the one in trouble. I'm still waiting for the punishment. You stayed and we sat together till we laid together. And you put your face on mine and let your eyelashes move my hair away like I mattered to you. I still just don't know if this is right. We kiss and it feels like nothing and I just wonder how it will end or how I can make it stop. We won't do again you promised, but that didn't work out for the first trys did it? You didn't attract me after you said you didn't want a relationship. I end up doing all the work myself after you leave. I'm starting to feel more alone than ever. Whe I reach out you draw away in fear. Yet I'm the one scared of you. I couldn't even tell you how yesterday was a good day because it involved me pretending you didn't exist, sleeping in, waking up to a text from a boy I seem to love, and eating my dinner without you. I feel bad because you have no idea of my reputation of hanging out with multiple guys at a time, and that's our agreement, that's our relationship. But we have nothing, so I can't really steer this ship straight. If you hadn't hurt me, hadn't implied I meant nothing, it would be easier for me to stay. I gave you the choice to stay by letting my heart take over. And I'll let you stay just for me to get some experience working things out. But I still think it would have been a better choice for you to leave. I'll call a truce, I won't do anything with anyone else till my, no your bruise fades. Two solid weeks for you to get your shit together. I still can't believe you chose to stay. Maybe that's I'm staying too, just 'cause I can't believe someone could like me this much. If you ask for this relationship I wouls like to say 'no,' but I know it's a small 'yes' I'll squeak before jumping your bones. This is the only thing I believe, that will give me the attraction to participating in all this damage you've done. All the small crimes are piling up, but I can't bear to part with you. I doubt you'll ever hold me accountable for my actions and walk out like I wished. A proper punishment, instead of the ones I never deserved. Even though we're staying aboard, this ship is sinking.