Last night in Catonsville at St. Timothy's. Great show. Otherwise I'm in a bum mood, which I will explain later, but may taint the whole mood of this post. Anyway.
Armoretta with Jordan and Trevor. Amazing. Made me so happy. It was nice to be at a show with a jam like feel. (Regarding that it was me, Justin and like three kids who weren't in a band or working the show. A couple more people came later.) I really just want them to record a whole set as one track so I have something to interupt a playlist nicelyand get the full affect. God damn Dan has an amazing voice, you could tell he was pushing it, in a good way, and his voice for the most part came through. What a creative group. So good to see. I feel like a recording could never do them justice.
Ben. Delicious. I've been listening to him just from myspace, when the players work. "The Purpose" was stuck in my head for a whole month. He played acoustic/electric to a track and sang. And he did it damn well. "No body laughs anymore, ohh ohh..."
Victory by revenge. Jury's still out. They were young, playing a set with much older guys. They showed up basically right before theyre set, which could have been for anyreason, but that always pisses me off. It appears to be disrespectful and it does not help the fact that people will be skeptical because of your age. You're just proving them right. They had the energy, now they just need the practice. I would have like to see the vocals more developed. I always say that, I know.
Halfway to the Moon. Why I drove around 200 miles. I assume it was worth it. They did theyre thing. Lou is much better at singing than he thinks he is. Thats all I got.
Arden. First time seeing them, its only been four plus years in the making. I always looked up to Laurie, so therefore, nervous wreck. They did theyre thing. I still idolize them.
The show in general, small, but good. I got to see alot of people I've idolized and made me want to keep playing music live and in an intimate venue. Def, worth all the drama that ensued.
Drama. I did drive 3 hours, got my car fucked up, half a panic attack, and bumper to bumper traffic the whole way, to see a show. But that was basically all I got. One friend called to hang out while I was at the show, so I couldn't. Friday night, they're was nothing but no power, a couple beers with my mom, and a phone call I don't remember. (Cause I sleep talked not beer, he was drunk so he doesn't rememeber either.) It was nice to see my mom, and I washed and waxed my newly distroyed car. I discoved more damage when I was driving back this morning. I got treated like an ass by a person, and it sucks. I'm trapped and they're seems to be nothing to do about it. Fuck whatever. I parallel park on my street that he refuses to visit only to notice. No pillow. I left it. God damn. I've only started to be able to sleep this last week. I have no comforts left, except that I do have a home, but that only makes me worry more about moving in a month. No smell of home, no fish to come home to, my car is hated by anyone and everyone anyway, I'm begining to think its just because its mine. Oh yea, I did write what I think was an awesome song during HWTTM's set, but my voice is no longer cooperating. Whatever. Does anyone know where the escape hatch is?
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Oh Dear.
Yesterday, just as I finish up a phone call with my mom, confirming I now have two jobs and such issues involved, it ends with "looks like life hit the up swing."
We made a new rule never to say that again.
I come home, Huckleberry Finn, my beloved fish, seems to be sluggish. Its happened before, I threw some food in the tank, he moves a bit but seems to be chilled out. A 10 mintute, 1600m row and 13+ biked miles later. Huckleberry is not moving, nothing. And his body already seems to be decomposing.
I'm about to cry as I read this. He was my replacement boyfriend. My fake family. Now no more filter hum to fall asleep to. Me and my roommate considered leaving him, so I could take him home and give him a proper burial, but I could not bear to see him start to float. So I put him in the toilet, but did not flush him until I had cleaned the tank and pebbles and had some time to sit on the tub and consider what my life is coming to.
Its really dumb how important he is to me. I had him since last August, which I'm told is a long time for a goldfish to live for, but I knew by the second day this was it. I called my momand told her, "I'm extremely emotionally attached to this fish." She didn't believe me 'til she met him herself, and she agreed that he was an awesome fish. My roommate doesn't understand, and it didn't help she was drunk at the time of me being the most upset. She still hugged me while I cryed and told me Sunday when I got back from Baltimore, we would make a roommate excursion to buy a new fish. I just don't think I can do it. I loved Huckleberry Finn, he was my damn fish friend.
We made a new rule never to say that again.
I come home, Huckleberry Finn, my beloved fish, seems to be sluggish. Its happened before, I threw some food in the tank, he moves a bit but seems to be chilled out. A 10 mintute, 1600m row and 13+ biked miles later. Huckleberry is not moving, nothing. And his body already seems to be decomposing.
I'm about to cry as I read this. He was my replacement boyfriend. My fake family. Now no more filter hum to fall asleep to. Me and my roommate considered leaving him, so I could take him home and give him a proper burial, but I could not bear to see him start to float. So I put him in the toilet, but did not flush him until I had cleaned the tank and pebbles and had some time to sit on the tub and consider what my life is coming to.
Its really dumb how important he is to me. I had him since last August, which I'm told is a long time for a goldfish to live for, but I knew by the second day this was it. I called my momand told her, "I'm extremely emotionally attached to this fish." She didn't believe me 'til she met him herself, and she agreed that he was an awesome fish. My roommate doesn't understand, and it didn't help she was drunk at the time of me being the most upset. She still hugged me while I cryed and told me Sunday when I got back from Baltimore, we would make a roommate excursion to buy a new fish. I just don't think I can do it. I loved Huckleberry Finn, he was my damn fish friend.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Recently.
I've been very upset, trying to reconcile my past and whats whirlwinding around me. Last night, I slept for once, and I had a dream about my dad. The first good dream, probably in forever. I don't know how or why I would have dreamed about him when he was alive. But during my teenage years I was forced to face a "dark side" that I'm still not sure exists and I had many dreams about this "evil dad" I never knew. Last night was almost as if none of the disease had happened, that my parents had divorced as fate had to seemed to plan five years ago, and I was meeting him as though it was present day. Therefore I had been away and talking had been sparse. He was getting some Navy group together to be shipped off, only it was not very organized and looked more like a poor man's peace corps. But he was just as I really remembered him and I love him.
Another thing missing from the picture was something my dad always talked about, peppermint ice cream. He had made it as a boy and when I saw Paula Dean having a similar accent to my father's and using a ice cream maker, I suddenly wanted what I could not have. Me and milk are seeming to be one thing never to be reconciled, although I am lucky and it seems only milk it self promotes a shortage of breathing and soothed skin, and not butter and cheese. I still watch my proverbial culinary step, however.(Why I hate eating out for dates). While we only made it several times, it will always be associated with summer for me. The glory of the internet later, A Vegan Ice Cream Paradise. Though I can not link to the post itself, she has a chocolate peppermint ice cream recipe with a non chocolate version. I do have vegan cookie dough ice cream in the freezer, that will probably be gorged on in a minute, also after watching Alton Brown make banana ice cream. We have an old ice cream maker at the Baltimore house, but maybe I can ask for a small counter top version, but also for fried okra's sake, I want a deep fryer. See a trend?
Strangely, the dream also included Dave, a boy/man I went out with during last summer, who adored my father even though he knew little about him. He is also the closest to boyfriend material I ever had, even though we weren't perfect for each other, I don't doubt that we could have been good enough for each other. But I left for school and he left for base. That was that. But there he was, part of this mis-mashed group of people on a strange mission. For some reason I believe it was a radical/anarchist one. He had much longer hair, for it was halfway down his forehead when he always kept it closely shaved, though he had mentioned it being longer and "emo." And it was a silly red color. I liked it though, and now I feel bad for the fact I could not recognize the person in the dream until halfway through the morning.
Oh god, now they're doing a special on comfort food. I'm gonna eat the whole apartment.
In other news, supposed to hang out with certain kid, as usual, did not show up. We were supposed to get lunch and he let me know at 2 that he couldn't make the trip. (He lives a bit away, no idea the distance). I'm not surprised, I wasn't really expecting him to show up. Specially after our text message conversation ended with him asking about the guys I was more than hanging out with, me saying none, and him acting all surprised and probably thinking that he was special. He asked me why and I said, "I thought I deserved a real relationship. Or I stopped being worth it."
I have a way of ruining conversations.
Another thing missing from the picture was something my dad always talked about, peppermint ice cream. He had made it as a boy and when I saw Paula Dean having a similar accent to my father's and using a ice cream maker, I suddenly wanted what I could not have. Me and milk are seeming to be one thing never to be reconciled, although I am lucky and it seems only milk it self promotes a shortage of breathing and soothed skin, and not butter and cheese. I still watch my proverbial culinary step, however.(Why I hate eating out for dates). While we only made it several times, it will always be associated with summer for me. The glory of the internet later, A Vegan Ice Cream Paradise. Though I can not link to the post itself, she has a chocolate peppermint ice cream recipe with a non chocolate version. I do have vegan cookie dough ice cream in the freezer, that will probably be gorged on in a minute, also after watching Alton Brown make banana ice cream. We have an old ice cream maker at the Baltimore house, but maybe I can ask for a small counter top version, but also for fried okra's sake, I want a deep fryer. See a trend?
Strangely, the dream also included Dave, a boy/man I went out with during last summer, who adored my father even though he knew little about him. He is also the closest to boyfriend material I ever had, even though we weren't perfect for each other, I don't doubt that we could have been good enough for each other. But I left for school and he left for base. That was that. But there he was, part of this mis-mashed group of people on a strange mission. For some reason I believe it was a radical/anarchist one. He had much longer hair, for it was halfway down his forehead when he always kept it closely shaved, though he had mentioned it being longer and "emo." And it was a silly red color. I liked it though, and now I feel bad for the fact I could not recognize the person in the dream until halfway through the morning.
Oh god, now they're doing a special on comfort food. I'm gonna eat the whole apartment.
In other news, supposed to hang out with certain kid, as usual, did not show up. We were supposed to get lunch and he let me know at 2 that he couldn't make the trip. (He lives a bit away, no idea the distance). I'm not surprised, I wasn't really expecting him to show up. Specially after our text message conversation ended with him asking about the guys I was more than hanging out with, me saying none, and him acting all surprised and probably thinking that he was special. He asked me why and I said, "I thought I deserved a real relationship. Or I stopped being worth it."
I have a way of ruining conversations.
i sent my life out to sea along time ago.
its been ship wrecked and burned
and even if i saw a small piece
floating like an island
i couldn't even swim
to rescue it.
and even if i saw a small piece
floating like an island
i couldn't even swim
to rescue it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
hey you.
i've been trying to get into the relationship business for over two years now, no avail.
now i do have plenty guys of who's girlfriend needs a girlfriend; who don't mind me dating them, if i don't mind them dating other girls; guys who want to hook up and no ones allowed to know; guys who want girls without ambition above sex(def not me); guys scared to be seen with a punk girl, but they 'love' me; and then fickle guys who can't even begin to understand what i've been through.
so ive broken off all these silly fake relationships.
and i have way big hopes for jonathan who works at the wynnewood wholefoods. because of you man, i always buy less than 8 items so i can be in your line, not like i could afford more.
im a creep. the reciept is around here somewhere and i stare at you while you scan my organic ground chicken.
jonathan who works at the wynnewood wholefoods, do you have a dinner obligation?
i will make you okra with tomatoes and green chilies with chicken and bowtie pasta.
and i will never ask you for real.
after i wrote this, i found the receipt from when i first met him. and last night when i was in a rush i happened to put the most recent one with "Your cashier today is JONATHAN. Thank You For Shopping At Whole Foods Market Wynnewood." next to my bed. Oh man I am such a loser.
now i do have plenty guys of who's girlfriend needs a girlfriend; who don't mind me dating them, if i don't mind them dating other girls; guys who want to hook up and no ones allowed to know; guys who want girls without ambition above sex(def not me); guys scared to be seen with a punk girl, but they 'love' me; and then fickle guys who can't even begin to understand what i've been through.
so ive broken off all these silly fake relationships.
and i have way big hopes for jonathan who works at the wynnewood wholefoods. because of you man, i always buy less than 8 items so i can be in your line, not like i could afford more.
im a creep. the reciept is around here somewhere and i stare at you while you scan my organic ground chicken.
jonathan who works at the wynnewood wholefoods, do you have a dinner obligation?
i will make you okra with tomatoes and green chilies with chicken and bowtie pasta.
and i will never ask you for real.
after i wrote this, i found the receipt from when i first met him. and last night when i was in a rush i happened to put the most recent one with "Your cashier today is JONATHAN. Thank You For Shopping At Whole Foods Market Wynnewood." next to my bed. Oh man I am such a loser.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Staying up.
I finished my website, which of course, means 365 is behind again. It will be up to date later today. I'm just tired so its a bullet post.
-Lib today to scan in remaining images for portfolio and website.
-Food like cheese, soda and chicken are needed.
-Cleaning, really, really need to do that.
-Sleep. Tryna change my schedule back to one where going to sleep at 5 am is normal. I did work out a schedule where sleep happens at 9:30 am.
-UPS orientation/warehouse tour tonight. I'm nervous.
-Group interview at California Pizza Kitchen tomorrow. I'm glad cause they're gonna train me to be a server which no one else wants to do. AKA more job opportunities down the line.
-Pottery Barn Kids, yea I don't think thats happening.
-Putting an interest deposit down on our house. Yes.
-Went to Whole Foods and got my kinda food.
-Learning and understanding, that the way I grew up was much different than other people, and I'm okay with it. I think I may be more 'damaged' but I'm much better off.
I think thats everything. 30 more minutes and then I can finally crash.
-Lib today to scan in remaining images for portfolio and website.
-Food like cheese, soda and chicken are needed.
-Cleaning, really, really need to do that.
-Sleep. Tryna change my schedule back to one where going to sleep at 5 am is normal. I did work out a schedule where sleep happens at 9:30 am.
-UPS orientation/warehouse tour tonight. I'm nervous.
-Group interview at California Pizza Kitchen tomorrow. I'm glad cause they're gonna train me to be a server which no one else wants to do. AKA more job opportunities down the line.
-Pottery Barn Kids, yea I don't think thats happening.
-Putting an interest deposit down on our house. Yes.
-Went to Whole Foods and got my kinda food.
-Learning and understanding, that the way I grew up was much different than other people, and I'm okay with it. I think I may be more 'damaged' but I'm much better off.
I think thats everything. 30 more minutes and then I can finally crash.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Hell Yes.
Finally got a job. Its a night job at the ups at the airport. I think it will be good. Wow this is lack luster right now, but I'm trying to push back my schedule I was to what it was earlier in the summer/break, when this week I was trying to get a normal schedule back. Whatever I am really excited, even if i can't put it into words. How bout this, benefits, tuition reimbursement, weekends off. Sound good? Hell yea.
I remembered half way through the day that I had this really weird dream about this guy I dated or try went on one date with. We were at some sort of halloween party and duh, he wouldn't leave me alone, and followed me around and I kept walking away from him. And we were in a school, like my high school, but a little more confusing hallways, and we just kept walking at the same pace until he eventually ran to catch up to me. And it was the usual like what happened, blah blah. I do, in this suddenly guy free situation, feel bad about that. But did he feel bad about trying to cop a feel before I left, never to return again? Did he feel bad when we got in to a spat in a crowd in the parking lot of where we met, and of course I shot fire. (sorry coming back hard in a fight has always been one of my few skills). He started the fight I won. I started the relationship, and I walked away. Other people have told me hes a player, and I'm sure I am too. I knew when I started liking him, it was a game, he was just a goal I had to achieve. I admit it that I took it too far to a date, but then I thought it could be something real. I didn't realize that he was that much younger and that he would lose the courtesy that had attracted me to him would leave as soon as we got in to the real world. I guess we were both faking. I was hoping for an honest, well just fade away. He assumed that I was gonna come to Maryland to see him, when I was actually going home for my sister's wedding. He thought I could shove in the time, when I didn't even get to see my one friend who I love honestly and deeply. Did he really think I would make that kind of trip for someone I'd known less than a month? That we'd gone on one date. When I walked out of that date, it just gave me many reasons not to come back. So I didn't. I have a home here, and I don't need some kid whose never left home to make it for me. I got it my damn self.
I remembered half way through the day that I had this really weird dream about this guy I dated or try went on one date with. We were at some sort of halloween party and duh, he wouldn't leave me alone, and followed me around and I kept walking away from him. And we were in a school, like my high school, but a little more confusing hallways, and we just kept walking at the same pace until he eventually ran to catch up to me. And it was the usual like what happened, blah blah. I do, in this suddenly guy free situation, feel bad about that. But did he feel bad about trying to cop a feel before I left, never to return again? Did he feel bad when we got in to a spat in a crowd in the parking lot of where we met, and of course I shot fire. (sorry coming back hard in a fight has always been one of my few skills). He started the fight I won. I started the relationship, and I walked away. Other people have told me hes a player, and I'm sure I am too. I knew when I started liking him, it was a game, he was just a goal I had to achieve. I admit it that I took it too far to a date, but then I thought it could be something real. I didn't realize that he was that much younger and that he would lose the courtesy that had attracted me to him would leave as soon as we got in to the real world. I guess we were both faking. I was hoping for an honest, well just fade away. He assumed that I was gonna come to Maryland to see him, when I was actually going home for my sister's wedding. He thought I could shove in the time, when I didn't even get to see my one friend who I love honestly and deeply. Did he really think I would make that kind of trip for someone I'd known less than a month? That we'd gone on one date. When I walked out of that date, it just gave me many reasons not to come back. So I didn't. I have a home here, and I don't need some kid whose never left home to make it for me. I got it my damn self.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Welcome to the Floor.
i really dont know what to do with myself
and this no job situation
and my whatever ignoring me
it makes me think that i broke boundaries by leaning on him when i thought things were about to collapse
now their going for the floor.
ive been on the floor
ive lived on the floor
slept and dreamed on the floor
so for now thats what im gonna do.
I WILL BE STRONGER-SYG
JUST KEEP MAKING MUSIC-SAM DIXON
thats just what im going to do.
and this no job situation
and my whatever ignoring me
it makes me think that i broke boundaries by leaning on him when i thought things were about to collapse
now their going for the floor.
ive been on the floor
ive lived on the floor
slept and dreamed on the floor
so for now thats what im gonna do.
I WILL BE STRONGER-SYG
JUST KEEP MAKING MUSIC-SAM DIXON
thats just what im going to do.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
blah-og.
I haven't posted in a while, or at least it feels like it. Its only been 6 days, and thats probably because I haven't updated 365 Puddles in probably longer. Whatev, I'm a horrible person I know.
Well this weekend I went to the good old baltimore. I really enjoyed it, even though they're were very silly and unnecessary things involved, it was good. Hadn't seen a show in forever and the whole point of coming down was to see the show. Nice, I love trips like that. Went to the ottobar to see halfway to the moon, the sophomore attempt, ...promise, mercy mercedes, and interstate north.
So good to see halfway live. This was their first show and a damn good one at that. Especially damn good for me because I've been stopping in on them recording which means I never get to hear the full song all together. So that was good, and I wasn't quite sure they were gonna be my style but around two weekends ago, I stopped by Justin's on my way back to philadelphia to make him and ben food and get some frisbee in. Hearing the vocals made me believe a lot more, I've always been one to fall in love with vocals. And it was good to see the guys.
The sophomore attempt I've been hearing on myspace for a while so it was convient to be able to see them live. They were good, and they had a hardcore group of youngun's to see them. It was mildly creepy though. And if that didn't make me feel old enough, they were like "we've been hearing this song on the radio a lot so we know all you guys will like it." I had no fucking clue what the song was, I know I've heard the hook before, but otherwise, total loss. I feel bad saying I felt old when a guy I was talking to on myspace felt that he was the oldest person there.
...promise, I feel like they've been getting shit on by the scene, but I think they're good. They played a lot of bullshit shows when the bands giving them crap never had to. I'm also biased cause I played with some of those guys for a while. So as usual good to see them.
Mercy mercedes, good, that guys voice is still kinda in my head. I heard they just got signed and are gonna tour with farewell, which is how I heard about them in the first place. I still kinda feel like their was something a little off about their set, but I was tired so god knows if they're was really something to be done. And I've never heard their studio recordings so yeah, I just feel like maybe they're was some electronic piece missing, or maybe I'm comparing them too much to farewell?
Interstate north, I don't know. Not really my style and I'm nervous to say it, they might be past their prime. I hate that, but they're was just nothing really to catch me on to it.
In other news, we went to BK tonight. Sooo bad for me, especially cause I haven't ran in forever. It was cause I was lazy, and now its cause of this damn heat. I'm so glad this is abnormal, or at least for now. But anyway, the BK a couple blocks down was closed off and locked, so we drove maybe 20 minutes to get BK. haha we have no lives.
Speaking of no life, still no job. I found an awesome graphic/marketing job at a Philadelphia venue, but I am by no means qualified. Damnit.
Now that was a pretty decent post. I think I might go to sleep early. Even thought I woke up at 11 and napped from 6-9. oh well.
Well this weekend I went to the good old baltimore. I really enjoyed it, even though they're were very silly and unnecessary things involved, it was good. Hadn't seen a show in forever and the whole point of coming down was to see the show. Nice, I love trips like that. Went to the ottobar to see halfway to the moon, the sophomore attempt, ...promise, mercy mercedes, and interstate north.
So good to see halfway live. This was their first show and a damn good one at that. Especially damn good for me because I've been stopping in on them recording which means I never get to hear the full song all together. So that was good, and I wasn't quite sure they were gonna be my style but around two weekends ago, I stopped by Justin's on my way back to philadelphia to make him and ben food and get some frisbee in. Hearing the vocals made me believe a lot more, I've always been one to fall in love with vocals. And it was good to see the guys.
The sophomore attempt I've been hearing on myspace for a while so it was convient to be able to see them live. They were good, and they had a hardcore group of youngun's to see them. It was mildly creepy though. And if that didn't make me feel old enough, they were like "we've been hearing this song on the radio a lot so we know all you guys will like it." I had no fucking clue what the song was, I know I've heard the hook before, but otherwise, total loss. I feel bad saying I felt old when a guy I was talking to on myspace felt that he was the oldest person there.
...promise, I feel like they've been getting shit on by the scene, but I think they're good. They played a lot of bullshit shows when the bands giving them crap never had to. I'm also biased cause I played with some of those guys for a while. So as usual good to see them.
Mercy mercedes, good, that guys voice is still kinda in my head. I heard they just got signed and are gonna tour with farewell, which is how I heard about them in the first place. I still kinda feel like their was something a little off about their set, but I was tired so god knows if they're was really something to be done. And I've never heard their studio recordings so yeah, I just feel like maybe they're was some electronic piece missing, or maybe I'm comparing them too much to farewell?
Interstate north, I don't know. Not really my style and I'm nervous to say it, they might be past their prime. I hate that, but they're was just nothing really to catch me on to it.
In other news, we went to BK tonight. Sooo bad for me, especially cause I haven't ran in forever. It was cause I was lazy, and now its cause of this damn heat. I'm so glad this is abnormal, or at least for now. But anyway, the BK a couple blocks down was closed off and locked, so we drove maybe 20 minutes to get BK. haha we have no lives.
Speaking of no life, still no job. I found an awesome graphic/marketing job at a Philadelphia venue, but I am by no means qualified. Damnit.
Now that was a pretty decent post. I think I might go to sleep early. Even thought I woke up at 11 and napped from 6-9. oh well.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
This.
i want someone to sit oustide with me when its 4 am and the birds are waking up and no one else is.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Dreams.
During my evening nap, I had two dreams. One, that I had had a baby and the dream ended with me photoshopping the father out of a picture of the three of us. With the baby upright, back against my stomach in my arms, I was perfectly fine with out a man. The second had the interest of white century schoolbook on the background of flesh composited from my right lower back and left cheek. The way I woke up both these locations were on the same parallel as if I were twisting them towards the sun.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
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