Grateful.

Despite the struggling economy I am undoubtedly happy this holiday season. This is the first year I've been able to buy a full set of presents for my family basically by myself. I don't get many hours at my job, or earn more than $9 an hour, but I feel like I've been doing a good deal of saving and was able to pull through.
The last month or so has seen me through a lot of little things piling up, all my fault, but mistakes I would never make prior to getting sick. In one night, I locked my keys in the car and then got the same car impounded. A bad fall, losing a wallet for two weeks, cutting a finger down to the bone, being behind in classes, and many other mishaps seemed to define my life. But I had family willing to miss events to drive me a set of keys, call towing companies, friends willing to chip in for a meal, give me a place to stay, drive me around Baltimore, professors offering extra help and understanding and everyone giving words of confidence. It was truly amazing and purely inspiring.
I am still sick and still trying to watch my step, but as I drove home from my friends apartment and I rolled down the windows and turned Say Anything up, I felt alive again. I had been receiving the comment, "You just don't look like yourself," for ten weeks now, and it was just saddening that I was harboring this illness that would never leave and change me forever. So many people said they never felt the same after having mono, and that's damn scary. Hopefully I'll get back to being the girl with too much energy for her own good.

Time is on My Side.

So my final crit is done, so omigosh, I can post. The crit went real well, 'cept they didn't like my idea oh having 300 pt. type that you could see through architectural drawings. I had super way lack of sleep, so I slept through everyone else's crit. I plan on fixing everything then editing my portfollio for some serious interning.
Of course, pre-crit, our fridge breaks, making it real difficult to eat. And I've been wrestling the landlord, that yes in fact, we do need a fridge.
I've been studying for my History of Architecture and Interiors exam tomm, and listening to alot of NPR'S "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" It's freaking hillarious, I think I'll use it to keep me updated on the news I never get to see or read.
I got my wallet and tons of lost coats from my friends house Tues as well, and that was really exciting.
Today I started doing x-mas stuff. I'm just so excited to wrap, and send, write cards and all that stuff. I'm really pumped to go on my day of shopping, unfortunately I'm gonna be by KOP from one to three on sat and then I work at KOP at 6, so my roommate pointed out it only makes sense to shop then,THE MOST CROWDED TIME. Oh, well, we'll see, I usally don't mind unless people are rude. I did buy a present for my roomie's kitty and he really seems to like it, it was about half an hour before he stopped playing.
Ok, I know I have plenty more to say but I want to sleepz.

Procrastinate.

As the theme of the semester, behind on work. I would have one less paper had I not been ill. I should be doing that now but oh well.
Work is hating on me, I still haven't been able to tell them I have a disease/infection or whatever that can be fatal, and maybe that's why I haven't been able to be miss perfect. The other day the stripes on my shirt were too wide. They scheduled me to work during Army/Navy, which I have tickets for. Not awesome. No clue what I'm gonna do.
Went out before the holiday, fell tragically scraping my arm badly and cutting part of my hand down to the muscle. Also lost my wallet, which I believe to be in my friends house, but I'd love for it to be dug up before I get in a crunch for buy the cuz's xmas presents. This picture is after a week of healing, most of the scrapes on my arm are gone.
Speaking of xmas, I'm making my own cards this year, I don't have many people to send them to anyway. Heres their start, they're gonna have some stamp and glitter and ribbon as well. I decided to keep it classic.
The SCAD folder is master's info. So scary to get started on. Also in injuries and my idiotically run life, I cut myself with a knife, down to the bone. Shoulda gotten stitches but I contend its fine.

Playlist.

You see, I have this plan to sabotage everything good that happens to me, for the fear of getting used to the going getting good.
That Green Gentleman-Panic at the Disco
Babygirl-Anthony Green
Tool Sheds and Hot Tubs-Straylight Run
Eulogy-Saves the Day
Millstone-Brand New
Midnight Movie-The Secret Handshake
Where I Belong-Motion City Soundtrack
Pinch Me-Barenaked Ladies
Let's Pretend-NoFi Soul Rebellion
Dear Child (I've Been Trying to Reach You)(Good Old War Version)-Anthony Green
String of Pearls- Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Let it Be-The Beatles
Clusmy Heart- The Matches
Roots-Brighter Shades
Night on Fire-VHS or Beta
The Difference Between Medicine and Poision is the Dose-Circa Survive
Miami-Taking Back Sunday
+Head in Hands-Valencia
+Thanks That Was Fun-Barenaked Ladies
+Tension-Nural
+Helicopters-Barenaked Ladies
+Mandala-Circa Survive
+Cut Up Angels-The Used
+Another Perfect Day-American Hi-Fi
+Go Home-Barenaked Ladies
+Take on Me-Reel Big Fish
+I'd Be More Interested if You Were Already Spoken For-You, Me and Everyone We Know
+Time Bomb-The Format
+Sentencing-Boys Night Out
+Slowdance on the Inside-Taking Back Sunday
+Writing on the Walls-Underoath

Stickiness.

Reading way too many food blogs of late, got me back to my usual way of taking pictures of pretty food I happen to make. Now, the pictures won't be up quite yet because 1)I'm lazy, 2) I still have mono, and 3) I should be doing tons of school work.
The first course if you will, is sweet potato/yam baked and topped with raw sugar and butter. I cut it up, put it in the oven for 350 for 30 mins and sometimes pour some water in the pan and put it back in the oven for a bit to moisten it up. And then sprinkle a tablespoon of raw sugar and about a tablespoon of butter over top. Simple but freaking delicious.
Second, thawed pre-cooked frozen shrimp, small avocado, a roma canning tomato salad. I am kinda freaked out by pre-cooked frozen shrimp, but I am in college, and money doesn't grow on trees. I put the usual red wine vinegar, olive oil, and all purpose(Italian) seasoning mix to be a dressing. Was pretty good.
Cooling now, is granola that I tweaked to what I wanted. I'm kinda happy with my recipe changing bravery. The granola is for a recipe I've been thinking of for pumpkin bars. Now I really have to get back to my million papers.

Allergic.

I've been reading a lot of allergy logs of late, trying to find ways to omit milk, I do buy soy milk but I try to keep it to just chocolate for daily drinking due to the expense. I still am able to eat limited amounts of butter and cheese, proving that my allergy is much more likely to be something within the production process of the milk. I know I need to cut out butter and cheese. But, I'm a good southern girl, how will I live without butter. I think I will wait to make the switch. Its gonna be too much either way.

Approaching.

Because of the life threatening virus problem, I've been behind on some readings and two major assignments. One for my Africa class was due Friday the 31st. Yesterday I was able to get the necessary tutoring appointment which basically pointed out the fact that I had to smoosh the paper into about 4 days of writing it and at the same time losing tons of focus to what is trying to be accomplished with the assignment. I would like to be able to turn it in Tues. Ok, it might not be great but it will be done, and the tutoring did help. Second is an extended outline for a term long paper and presentation, the outline was due a damn long time ago, so long I don't remember when it was. The physical paper is due next Friday. I wanted to hand the outline in by today, but I slept 12 hours last night, kind of cutting off anytime for work. And I am trying to keep up with current assignments at the same time.
On Tues, my grandmother died, I didn't know her to well, but all the sudden it becomes pretty obvious that I am the one making the choice about driving to Jacksonville (12+ hours) to see the 15 min graveside service. On one side there is the respect, and on the other the two day interruption of daily life and the planning fiasco.
This prof. that the outline is due for, I approach her after class and tell her, I am still sick and still need a lot of rest and my grandmother has died and services are 12 hours away. Her response was, "I'm not telling you not to go to your grandmother's funeral, but I've extended deadlines and you still are behind, and this needs to be turned in now." Wow, well thanks for the understanding. She also screwed me over when I came to her for help because I felt I was doing bad on exams because I felt rushed. She told me that she would never take an exam away from a student and I could follow her to her office with my exam if I didn't finish during class time and that this applied to everyone. With this confidence I took the next exam, taking my time to carefully construct my answers. Then she informs us that we needed to finish up, class time was over, and so was the exam. Gahh, made me angry. Worse is its been a week and she hasn't turned back the exams, when the last ones were returned by the next class period, two days away. So now I have not idea how her constraint affected my grade.
After a phone call, it is decided that we will travel down for my grandmother, I just feel it is the right thing to do.
Also on that fateful Tuesday,I went on a date with the guy I met at Wawa. I it was good. The restaurant was delicious and it was like a real first date, and its been a while since I've had one of those. I have a good feeling he is much older than me, and I don't have the same super giddy feelings about him that I have others, but I'm ready to see how it pans out.
I don't think I'm sleeping tonight, got way too much work to do.
Sometimes I hate the space lyrics take up, but this song has been with me through this whole illness and I feel like I need to include it.
"Head in Hands" by Valencia
Well, I've been saving my breath for another year.
I wasted my time.
I'm coming clean to you on how I'm always catching up.
Yeah, I'm still chasing my heart down 95.
It's a fucked up way to live your life when you are stuck always catching up.
So I'll come clean to you.

Head in hands I find that I've been fighting the words,
It just isn't worth my time.
It's not a way to die.
Suffocated by stress, my life is a mess, it's not right.
Head in hands we climb.
Separated by fate that got in the way of this life.
Of all the ways to die,
Suffocated by stress, my life is a mess, it's not right.

Yeah I've been clearing my head trying to get some sleep,
And all these overloaded thoughts crashed down on me.
It seems that this is just not good enough.
I'll come clean to you.

Head in hands I find that I've been fighting the words,
It just isn't worth my time.
It's not a way to die.
Suffocated by stress, my life is a mess, it's not right.
Head in hands we climb.
Separated by fate that got in the way of life.
Of all the ways to die,
Suffocated by stress, my life is a mess, it's not right.

Well, this is the calm before the storm.
It's getting harder then it has before.
Sometimes you've got to walk in the rain
If you're dying to find what you're looking for.
Dying to find what you're looking for.

Head in hands I find that I've been fighting the words,
It just isn't worth my time.
It's not a way to die.
Suffocated by stress, my life is a mess, it's not right.
Head in hands we climb.
Separated by fate that got in the way of life.
It's not a way to die.
Suffocated by stress, my life is a mess, it's not right.

Weekend.

This is the first weekend I've been able to do anything because I contracted mono. I have really lucked out and haven't had to go to the hospital and haven't had any major complications except for breathing problems. Friday night, halloween, went out to an intensely crowed party after a 6-10 shift at PBK. I got a massive amount of work done by myself and I'm hoping that reflects well to get me floor set shift. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty bad at selling. But, I did buy something for my cousin and accidentally left it in the back. I still have to call them and see if they can put it on hold for me. Anyway, the party was good till cops came and escorted people out. I was just pumped about being able to go out and it just got me super excited. Went home made a cheapo hamburger and then my roomie came back with a crunch wrap that I ate as well. (My appetite isn't quite back to normal yet.)
Saturday we went to my other roomie's fiance's old house. The guys were chill. Watched Texas Tech win with a second left. And I decided to see if I could party, I guess as normal. It was strange cause I knew no one, but I really didn't know many people the night before either, but I knew obviously my roommate and her friend Rob who helped us move into the house. I also met a guy, haha usual I know, he was chill except I realized this morning we didn't really exchange the usual music and stuff like that talk. We talked about majors (his: architectural engineering, mine:interior design and eventually MARCH[hah not the month masters of architecture]); our love of iCarly, Drake and Josh and things blowing up. The morning ended at Drexel around 330 with the addition of the hour taken away by daylight savings time. Me and my roomie got it into our heads that we really, really needed Wawa and that I would die if I did not eat a meatball hoagie. So we dropped the guy off at his house five blocks away and I gave the cutest good bye kiss ever, or so I think, by kissing him over top of the headrest while he was in the back seat. Hah, best I could do. We travel to wawa, order, and start talking to this guy. About parties, how we hate when people leave voicemails and jersey. We was super cute and we get our food and leave the store while he was still waiting for food. Me and Ash get in the car and I'm like "I totally should have gotten that guys number." She said, "Just go in now and get it." So I was actually brave went back in, stood next to him, and was like "In case you have something again soon..." and then he gave me his number and I texted him mine. And we texted a bit back and forth about what boroughs we lived in and ended in this text message "i am gonna give you a call sometime, we'll hang out . leave people some annoying voicemails..." Haha. I called him Wawa Cutie. All while the first kid was trying to get me to come back. I don't think he realized I live in North Phila while we met and he lives in University City area. I eat my glorious hoagie on the couch and then eventually pass out there sometime after 5 am, rather uncomfortably. Slept a little bit more upstairs, to kinda late, 11ish.
Now I'm just catching up on all the work I've been behind on because of the mono mess. I need to get a paper, or at least a good rough done by Wed., and an good outline by Thurs or Fri. I'll see if I can push it out.

Stole this. Will explain later, maybe.

obiv im in the library doing a whole lot of nothing

in 8 mins im driving home and eating my like 5th "philly style beef patty" aka cheap hamburger, in the last 3 days.

im super behind on life due to my 'serious illness'

whatev i went out last night and i feel grand.

quote of last night: is your hair real? like it feels really real.
^yes it is.



fB:Meredith is my fall down the stairs, while no doubt graceful, has yielded a insane bruise.

Surviving.

Surviving that night was easier than expected. I did what I wanted to do and got my satisfaction in the end. Turned out my bruise faded faster than I expected. I had to jump right back on the horse, literally. Found someone who turned me on and we're on the same level. Younger than you but much more mature. You dropping your pants in a crowd sealed the deal. No way I was gonna be associated with that. So we played it cool till we got you to leave and a heart-to-heart, more like a tutoring session, but we both enjoyed it. But baby I got a lot more to learn that you ain't teachin', so I'll be on my way. You confirmed what I always knew from the thirf time we hung out. It was all about you getting some satisfaction, no matter how much you hurt me. I just wanna know how dumb you are to assume that eventually I would give it up while you still treated me like shit? Well this ain't worth finishing.

Ill. not the cool way.

Yup I got the kissing disease, mono. Which has made me look significantly different, some days unrecognizable and a general blob of grumpy. As well, asthma has been increased to the point where I have to take an inhaler twice daily and today I could only blow, barely a 350 on the flow meter. Now I have some sort of allergic reaction that involves very itchy hives. I need to pump more fluids. My brain is so active, but I can't do that much work, so I just feel like a lazy ass. Wow I have more to say, but I've officially faded that damn fast.

Its Just

Its just this sinking feeling I'm worried about. That if you knew the songs on repeat in my head, you would cry. You might understand me better, but if you just felt these songs the way I do...oh I can already see the sadness in your eyes. Just to know no matter how happy I am, I will never be fixed. The past will still just be mine and yours will always be yours. There is no way we can heal each other. We can only heal what we've done. But as I'm tired and so sick I still feel the pain you caused and I wish your sorry could last just as long. Oh god, if you read these, if you'd see n all I'd written and all I've sang, I feel it would break your heart. I'm such a sad case. Your lost, but your past has it all together. I'm jealous of all that you have. You and your trips, you've seen the beauty of the world and I've seen the worst I've had the greatest life and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I can't help to think what its like to be better off. I know I'm disappointing. No longer turned on, no longer brave. I can barely look you in the eye. But no matter the present, I still remember our past, when we were first meeting. It was my birthday party and I spent a lot of it with you. Its like a scene out of my favorite movie. But will it be just as perfect? I feel like if I expect you to be the last one, I'm denying myself some sort of freedom. I wonder if you're as scared of disappointing me as I am you. You have worried that I would be mad about things I just brushed off or didn't worry about at all. I wish you could just see that I was in pain and worry about that.Its silly but the only way I may believe you really care is just a kiss on the back of the head. It would mean much more to me than I think, anything. I'd feel like you were in this for real. Right now I think you just need a little closeness without the worry. If we're nothing, why worry? But this is my fourth full page of text I've hand written so you must mean something to me. I just can't figure out what it is, you wish for things and I wish I could give them to you. You are so simple, so delicate in your ways. My brash exterior pains on yours. Requests so simple, requests I just cannot fill. When you read these I do not want you to believe I lived with inner turmoil. I hope that's a wish of yours I can make come true. I do believe that you don't worry about me, but at the same time, I don't want you to. Even though I dream of a release, you needn't worry about my problems. I'll try to let everything be alright in the end. We've all got our own shit. Relationships share these problems, with us as nothing, we have no problems. An ugly rationale at that, but the only one I can believe at this point. The same path I keep over thinking. I'll see you tonight, as usual. Settling is our survival.

You chose,

You chose to stay. But you left just the same. You couldn't believe how you hurt me but you didn't oblige to make it better. Said you're sorry, asked if I bruised easily, asked if it hurt. I couldn't even look you in the eye, like I was the one in trouble. I'm still waiting for the punishment. You stayed and we sat together till we laid together. And you put your face on mine and let your eyelashes move my hair away like I mattered to you. I still just don't know if this is right. We kiss and it feels like nothing and I just wonder how it will end or how I can make it stop. We won't do again you promised, but that didn't work out for the first trys did it? You didn't attract me after you said you didn't want a relationship. I end up doing all the work myself after you leave. I'm starting to feel more alone than ever. Whe I reach out you draw away in fear. Yet I'm the one scared of you. I couldn't even tell you how yesterday was a good day because it involved me pretending you didn't exist, sleeping in, waking up to a text from a boy I seem to love, and eating my dinner without you. I feel bad because you have no idea of my reputation of hanging out with multiple guys at a time, and that's our agreement, that's our relationship. But we have nothing, so I can't really steer this ship straight. If you hadn't hurt me, hadn't implied I meant nothing, it would be easier for me to stay. I gave you the choice to stay by letting my heart take over. And I'll let you stay just for me to get some experience working things out. But I still think it would have been a better choice for you to leave. I'll call a truce, I won't do anything with anyone else till my, no your bruise fades. Two solid weeks for you to get your shit together. I still can't believe you chose to stay. Maybe that's I'm staying too, just 'cause I can't believe someone could like me this much. If you ask for this relationship I wouls like to say 'no,' but I know it's a small 'yes' I'll squeak before jumping your bones. This is the only thing I believe, that will give me the attraction to participating in all this damage you've done. All the small crimes are piling up, but I can't bear to part with you. I doubt you'll ever hold me accountable for my actions and walk out like I wished. A proper punishment, instead of the ones I never deserved. Even though we're staying aboard, this ship is sinking.

I Changed,

I changed my mind. When you asked me about a dream man, you already knew it wasn't you. At least you know me that well. And these lines need space like you and I. I realize that I thought I could keep this going because I'm chasing this idea of a relationship. I want to be able to finally care for someone knowing they are committed to me. I feel like I should call you just to let you know I'm evil. But I feel like I should probably tell this to your face, if I can. It started off so good. A truth was that men are attractive when they decide to be in a relationship or no. Hooking up, dating, official are all sexy because they have a definition. Being undefined, I never saw it getting better. I keep coming back to the reasons I like you, but if I really think about it, it doesn't outweigh the bad. You said you would listen to me when it came to me being uncomfortable. This was after I asked not to hook up, when you physically hurt me to the point where I could not hide it and cried. Soon later I asked you again to not go there, this time you left a mark. As it grew fast and faded slowly, I could only be reminded of our relationship. One great week, one terrible week, one recovery week, but not without pain. We are starting a new week now, and I wonder when I'll attempt to tell you. Thanks for the great week and sorry for the recovery week. After all it seems like we're just hooking up so I had to keep my regular 'hooking up persona.' I just needed to be myself for a second. I wish you let me be myself. I miss being aggressive and having fun when hooking up. Is my religion such a bad thing? When you've already gotten to know me why would you assume I belong to such a large stereotype? That defeats the point of dating, even though that's not what were doing. What the hell are we doing? Do you know how much it kills me to not know where we stand? You know what the hell I'm doing? Not breaking up with you. You saved me that trouble. So what the hell is the paper? This is your courtesy call. I feel everyone needs reasons and I want to do this nicely. Blame it on the religion or my 'lazy' mother. Be grateful, they're both helping you now. I could have decided to show Chris what you did and he would have your ass. You know what's sad? You take the philosophy out of me, reducing my eloquence. I don't appreciate it. You give me something to complain about, when before, I could boast about a guy who actually cared. I think you believe you care, but honestly, if you cared you would bother to see my pain. Was it a punishment? You were so promising, then it was your shows on my bed and your sweat on my sheets. I used to long for your smell to stay, not it's the first thing I get rid of. I think there's more than B.O. I need to get rid of. I can't stand for this. The only reason this took so long, long for me to step up and tell you to believe is because I honestly thought I could do no better than you. All I had to do was remember how I could so easily live alone, and how often I had dreamed of doing so. You couldn't remember a damn thing about me, so I'll find someone who can. Maybe I'll never find them, but I'll be okay. You can take the time to find out I wasn't worth hurting, but it won't be mine your wasting anymore. I got better shit to be doing. I got a life to be living. Tons to learn and tons to see. You can go now.

My Love,

My love, what are you asking of me. I toiled and tryed. I spent my days in the fields staring at the sun until I cryed. I lack the understanding to stay with you, I lack the courage to leave. I dream of the days when you're the one making mistakes and I am the one choosing whether or not to forgive. You glorify me. I want to be the blessed one in more than your eyes. I dreamed of a man who kissed me in the morning when he woke, not the one rushing out the door as my eyes fell with sleep. There was this dream, the one I always refer to, the one with the situations of what I compare our relationship to. I wonder if it will come true, if its not you, because my dreams never lied to you. This always made me feel as though it was doomed from the start. But I felt that practing my life on you would be a good idea. I really saw no better option than to play and pretend. For a moment there I really thought I loved you. I really thought we could have made it to the end. But a kiss and I want to cry and I know I wasn't just lying to you. My heart sits in my chest completely untrained, completely lost. I hate that I was drawn to you because I felt as though I could tell you the truth. But I was just burdening you with my life. So I took this oath, that if you gave me an idea of commitment, I would tell you the truth. All the dirty, nasty stuff, finally set up limits for you so I could feel completely safe. But you took the confirmation away, so I continue to lie, even to this day. I will still lie because I know you deserve the best life I could never give and everytime I make the accident of writing 'lie,' not 'life,' and I see it as more than a typographical error. Its my brain, knowing the truth, and reducing my life down to a lie on paper. Mistake, mistake, its my minds hot shit way of forcing the truth I can't accept down my throat. I thought I was so fucking prepared, just another lie that I could handle this kind of situation. Never mind what I deserve, I don't think I could take being tied down. The simplest obligation is too much to bear. Ironically, its you who can't be attached. Even though I dreamed of the glory days, I always knew I would be the one at fault. At least I have that one truth, life and lies will always be my problem. Life's tears against your skin will always be made by my dull knife, whether you end up with me or not. Wouldn't you rather know your evildoer? Wouldn't you rather wake up to her face? Or is it better to never know where your pain comes from? Couldn't it be better if you stayed with me, then you could enjoy my few shreds of good? What good does it do to live alone? Baby, I know you could never live alone. I have been alone my whole life. Yes your life will be miserable with me, but it could be worse, you knowing I can do fine on my own, while you're searching the city streets for the light you know I keep. A simple yes or no to fate. In discussing this with this paper, I began where I start. I know not if I'll be better off with or without you. I have no clue. But this firm, concrete words are what I need to feel like its the truth. So make your decision, I'll sit and wait. I'll uphold my commitment to stay or go. I'll give you this point of never straying. My love, I tryed.

Random Thought.

You live in one place for your whole life and its strange when you come back and realize you never lived there at all.

You've got me coming in the back door.

This last weekend has been a whirlwind. In the wake of my birthday party I met a very nice boy and concequently(majoir sp) we spent most of the weekend together. We get along great and yes, its working out. Surprise, surprise.
However, Sunday on the way to the Valencia show I feel like I've been waiting my entire life for, my wallet was left on the Septa bus I took into Center City. Couldn't do anything to get it back so I could pick up my will call ticket that required a photo id and the credit card used to buy it.
But after 3 hours dealing with the fiasco, I went back to the studio to qork on my project that was due the next night. Basically, I did the whole project in 2 days. And it looked freaking awesome. They said I did well, everyones happy.
Finally get my wallet back today, all the money and everything, but now I'm upset about missing the show. Oh well.
Also on_Monday, my roommate wakes me up early in the morning, "You heard that?" 'yea I fucking heard that.' It was like a woman screaming and dying. Called the cops. Yea yea more fiasco.
Time for learning!

Dear toaster and internet.

I still don't know what I did to you, but lightly toasted bread and internet that finished loading web pages would be greatly appreciated. Plus I paid for you so work damnit.
Oh yea, AND IF I FIND ONE MORE CHARRED PIECE OF FUCK IN YOUR SLOTS YOU'RE LIVING IN THE BACKYARD! I've got my eyes on you, bitches.
Love, Meredith.

All homework and no play makes Meredith an irritable bitch.

A Minor Moment of Frustration.

The piles of mixed up papers, crap on the floor and not being able to move your chair. All accumulated into the sound of a printer attempting to feed paper and sucking in the whole stack. Its just school starting. And the fact I really can't type and don't have the programs I use on a daily basis. I need some soy ice cream and a nap. I should blab, but I can't type right now and it's driving me mad. I got so used to using the mobile. Damn.

OH, the Sunshine on the Sidewalk at Night.

Boop. I should be going to sleep, but I'm not quite ready yet. If I fall asleep doing this, don't blame me.
I am super excited about this, even if i only get a small mention, it's still awesome. Hockey should be going good this season, as the article says. We play Wilkes at 2 tomorrow, which means some sleeping in before the bus and sleeping on the ride up. Good point, I should pack my ipod and moleskine. I finally found a pen I like for my moleskine and its like finding home. Anyhoo, I set my alarms like 10 hours ago since I'm super on time for everything that is not field hockey related. I was an hour and a half late to practice the other day. Woops.
People did move into the rowhome we share the light alley with, so therefore we have to close our bathroom windows to prevent from giving the neighbors a free show.
Harry Potter movies are on, and I am so lost. I keep having to ask my roommate questions and phone calls are making me lose parts, so yea, mass confusion.
And this post seems to be going to hell, so I'll stop now. School starts monday, we'll see how that goes.

Also

I feel like I really want to write on The Life of a Puddle Jumper. But I can't, its past 9:30, my bed time. I have to wake up at 5:50 to run.
Night time to the normal people.

Some Semblance of Normal Life.

I've been with out internet for a while, and now its more of a time issue, but I'm trying to update 365 with almost a month of back pictures. Which can be a pain 'cause they're have been plenty of times when I've had to stretch pictures. Since I've had no time, this will definitely be an issue. Crap, and now I'm used to using the mobile, which helps feed the words to you as you type, so now I can't spell. So silly.
Well for a short round up, I moved to a rowhome in Philadelphia, I am two days away from finishing my preseason for college field hockey. School starts on Monday, and they're is tons of associated mayhem.
I was having this dream for a couple nights/napping afternoons that I was either riding the El train or driving on the tracks and then it falls into the Delaware River. Sometimes a group of us survive and live under cover in Southwest Philadelphia because we're being chased for crashing the train or I drown. (I can't swim very well in real life.) I think it has something to deal with this extreme scare I'm going through, and have been going through my whole life, and will only get worse with time. Scary, but I made it this far, I must be able to make it farther.
Now I have to update the hell out of 365.

08.08.08

Ok, I'll start off with the show tonight, then get to all my juicy personal life that I haven't posted details about in a while.
Summer Driven. I've seen them before and still have the same complaint. Their singer just ruins it for the rest of the band. Before the instruments and vocals were on the same level, but now the insturments have grown and the lead vocals are not able to support them. Also, they covered a Maine song. Now the lead singer of The Maine has some range. So, basically SD's version didn't pull it off. When you do a cover, you better be able to do it right.
The Naked Truth. Started off woth pure foolishness. They're were some good songs in there, but nothing that forced me to listen, and I like listening. So yea, they're breaking up anyway and it seemed like they weren't really in it.
Halfway. Duh, they're my boys. .I took tons of pictures and lets just say I was having trouble staying still to take the pictures.
O!tS. They played songs I hadn't heard at their shows before. The surprise Queen cover had a bit of a shaky start, but when it finished, it totally belonged to oh the story.
In my general life:
Things have been insane. The crazy All Time Low weekend with Andrew's death and everything, kinda bled into the last month. I moved into the house last week and since our apartment is forcing use to pay until the 31st, I have plently of time to finish moving out and clean. I want to paint this next week. Yea, life roght now is just tons of little details I need to wrangle into place. And I'm getting tired even though I have tons to blog about, I need to sleep. I'm driving to phila tomm morn early, going to work at kop, then going to a party in west chester. Always crazyness. Night!

Lesson Learned.

Never, ever, be confident in a cup's cleanliness. Specifically, if you have no idea what it contained before, how long its been marinating in the sink, and you only have the ablity to rinse it. When I went for the soy milk this morning, it has a suspicious lemon lime gatorade taste. When I went to go back for one more sip before I gave up, dead fly in it. We are so gross. And its def my turn to do dishes. Yea, thats gonna be difficult. Can't wait to move out of here. Since we had no clean dishes. Used a paper towel to multipurpose as a sandwich station and a toast landing zone. I better not fucking forget my lunch.

Crazyness.

After all of that pulling over and throwing up business. Went to work at potterybarnkids to do a 7pm to 12 am shift. It was ok, I was tired and upset so I wasn't much good. Worked Monday and Tuesday at Chipotle. While getting out of the car on the street where I park, I was upset and tried to jump out real fast before getting hit by a car and ended up shutting my finger in the door. Tried not to cry in the street, freed myself from my car, got heckled from the street and cried in the elevator. Had no clue what to do, ended up splinting it and I went to Starbucks with Ted and Kristen to chill. Then me and Ted came back and talked about music and design and pictures, nothing new there, but I love that chillin mucho.
Worked the morning at pbk. Did visual the whole day and added on some hours. Made four cribs with the finger issue and got an awesome client for next Wednesday. Golden.
Drove back through storms to Balti. And then me and my mom went to Howard County General to see why my finger was such an issue. Some people had said it was broken and some had said it wasn't. Well after x-rays showed it was, but it was just the bone on the tip, so it can't be set, thank god. I freaked out about the whole setting thing, and hospital and on the tv was screeching tires. Not so awesome. They burned a whole in the nail to let it release the pressure a.k.a. blood and then splinted it. Went home. Thursday was for Andrew. Today, I just tried to catch up on all the little crap, went to Clyde's with mom and now I am headed to Laurel for Matt's bday. I think I might have had a scheduling mishap, but oh well. After Matt and Elyse's, I'm going back to my mom's house, pack and then Philadelphia for work at pbk in the morning, then closing Chipotle.

Shaking in my Shoes.

My friends view and celebration of life is today. I need to go to the viewing soon, and I'm like so fucking nervous, I want to go with someone. But not like my mom or sister, but like a friend, but it looks like I'm gonna have to go alone. I'm sure theyre will be plenty of friends there. Gahh. Adulthood just keeps coming. I have plenty of things to blog about that are pretty important, but this is just obscuring everything else for the day, but he was a good guy. He deserves the community out pouring hes getting. Love you man.

On the Road 9.

I knew this weekend was gonna be tough, but not this tough. Andrew Perry Noel. i guess an arch studio isn't our meeting place anymore. heaven it'll be. when i got the news i pulled over, sobbed and threw up. my face is bloodshot. finch's letters to you is on repeat loud as hell. tommy gave me to song forever ago, when i saw hime use it in reference to andrew, i had to listen to it.
crazy, crazy life son. way more has been going on, but i cant get to it. tonight is gonna be a tough shift.

On the Road 8'

Back in phila at my apartment. got a couple minutes before I got to be at work. Even though I'm at home now doesn't mean the on the road weekend has ended. Truthfully I don't know when it will end since i still don't have a work schedule. But now its on to a chipotle shift, a little bit of a break and then a pottery barn kids shift till monday morn.

On the Road 7.

made it to maryland house rest stop, cause I deff need a coffee/food. fuck starbucks u are so expensive when I actually have to pay for you. wow and I only have 2 dollars and some change left fover from the 43 I started the weekend with. but I had to pay for ffod at the mall, parking , a coke at the venue, a valencia cd for my mom, and starbucks this morning. so I guess actually I did pretty well. god damn this starbucks is slow. wow she has only put the mocha in. hurry the fuck up bitch I got places to be. I hope I have a chance to stop by my apt cause I don't think i packed my chipotle hat. back to the road when ever this dumb gril finished making the damn coffee

On the Road 6.

just woke up. time for getting dressed and packing up. yea im kinda tired. haha I have no clue aboput my monday schedule. great.

On the Road 5.

Got back, saw the puppy and kitty. My mom liked the valencia cd. now its time for a nap and waking up at 430. morning.

On the Road 4.

out of the show, it was worth it. ill give abetter review later. as sson as I got to balti I had no gas. quite an ordeal to find a gas station and I barely made it. I prayed a lot and thegas was cheap. good neewsss

On the Road 3.

finally made it to balti. yea im along but im so fucking happy to be here. hott damn. im already the happest girl on earth

Oon the Road 2.

76 again. thistime otyher way. the person for alltimelow dropped so it looks like im going by myself. I don't care I want to see this shoew soo bad. imma have to edit the posts lata. they look messy. had to go back to my apt to get another charger so my phone wouled mmake the trip. whatever I derserrve this concert and the long drive alone. more proof I can't cooperate.whatever I don't mind being alone.

On the Road 1.

After being on 76west for over 20 minutes. This is my third time in 2nd gear. And I just realized that the lenghth of my pbk shift reqires a lunch.Which I didn't pack.
Nowits all cleared up. Time to stop mobile blogging.

Travel.

Philadelphia-Sleep/Clean/Bank.
King of Prussia-Pottery Barn Kids.
Baltimore-All Time Low/Valencia.
Ellicott City-Forms and Couple Hours.
Philadelphia-Chipotle/Shower/Food.
King of Prussia-Pottery Barn Kids Midnight Pre-Visual.

Craziness I wished for.

Copy/Paste.

Jul 15, 2008 7:23 PM
blisters from rowing and lifting. whatev. after this shower i will feel better than my hands look. i deserve it for not rowing or lifting for 14 days. bad me. but i lost my id and had to use my roomies to sneak in.



tried to sneak in the lib, but got caught. but i got let in cause i was wearing philau field hockey shorts. told her i had my roomies i d and she asked why. i said we shared the back pack(that still smells like beer from the draught keg sat).

she laughed and said "you guys are THAT POOR that you share a back pack?!!?" and i was like stern as shit "yes, we are"
haha

crazy fucking week im in, but this is the ultimate life. wouldn't/couldn't give it up.



love love love.

Jul 16, 2008 9:58 AM
these shoeshave already eaten my heel for breakfast.I hope work has bandaids. and I may or mauynot be late. this scheduling thing has been crap. whateve. I hope all gos well/ they approve of my outfit today. I think with scheduling mayhem I might have to cave and do my laundry in my building. poo I was trying not to do that. god damn I already bled on these new shoes. if I hadn't had to walk all the way around the fucking mall to find an open entrance maybe my foot would still be intact.

Jul 16, 2008 8:06 PM
keg backpack me and ted made another one, ready to cook out on campus duing the fake emergency in philadelphia. yea you wish you where us. oh yea I totally work in the morning.
what's up lifers?

Jul 17, 2008 12:36 AM
can someone lay in the grass with me? please?

Jul 17, 2008 7:46 AM
fuck. ive realized that at the end of the day im worthless.


im damn happy.


but that does nothing for the world around me.



im still completely undesirable.


and the people i care about are ready to give up.


i moved on cause i couldn't live in those conditions anymore.


now my family, scratch that my mom, is failing.


my friend that i love dearly doesn't know whats going on with his life.



but i scheduled my life with enough crap so i wouldnt notice i was leaving them behind.



still so incapable of love, i just let them go.


i finally let myself live and i cant be there anymore. i try but i fail.



ive even learned that i sound angry everytime someone calls me to hang out.



im an asshole.



but i have to make a living for not just me, i gotta not just try but actually help my mom.


i dont know when the collectors will show up.


but i wont be there to lie and say we dont live there anymore.


time to smile and wrap some burittos.


its all good.


right?




those kinda sum up the latest life.

Brew Up Some Coffee.

Life has been wonderful, working every day between Pottery Barn Kids and Chipotle. I'll stay at PBK during the semester working visual/sales.
The apartment is a mess. Our mouse is now living on the counter top and I can barely walk anywhere in my room. We also have an epic recycling collection. I'm trying to pack what I can, but everything kinda ends up thrown cause of coming home for work, running, shower, watch tv/make dinner for 2 hours, pass out. And do it all over again. These kind of mornings give me the opportunity to work on it.
I've been working 10-2 shifts at Pottery Barn Kids, so I get up at 7 like I do for Chipotle, make a cup of coffee and some toast, and do hair or whatev, and then with the extra time I clean or design or whatev. A good system, I love mornings but I'm not always motivated to be awake and listless, so coffee it is. I'm only drinking 2 cups a week, so my heart shouldn't explode quite yet.
PBK has me running through hoops of just what to wear, I have a feeling I am going to be wrong again today. I already have a $20 pair of pants I can't wear. They want dress pants that you wear with flats. Do they realize that this is bascially impossible? Whatever, they're fault for not giving me good guidance about the uniform. Haha, I wore the best shoes I own, that weren't stilettos and they said they weren't good enough. And they're has been scheduling chaos between the two jobs. Not much I can do about it but be the middle man.
This weekend will be chaos, but if I explain it here, I will get all stressed out trying to figure it out, so until tomm, this problem doesn't exsist.
Hahah, ironically time for me to do may hair.

Blindly.

Due to allergies and my eyes the first half an hour I'm awake is basically a blind one. I put on my glasses for close up and try to find my way around my apartment and such, you know check email and the millions of sites I'm attached to. I always find it funny that I am still trying to do something even though i can only see straight and everything is fuzzy, while my eyes try to blink away the crap from the night.
Slept in today even thought I said I was gonna wake up early and run. I'll still run I promise.
But I also said I was gonna go to sleep right after work. HAHA, what a laugh. Ted came over to show me a branding example for my portfolio and then we finished off the case of beers from the 4th. Great fucking time, we talked about serious stuff and I know I laughed my ass off. He got lost in the wrong tower of the apt building in like a nice outfit at like 11 at night. We mowed through them pretty fast, "Where's my burrs?" and then Ted stayed on our futon. It was weird cause I'm always the one stating at someone elses place, but this time, now that I live in a place, people can stay at my place. And thats fucking awesome to say. We stayed up talking 'til 3.
Today is my clean, pack, destroy day. I want to go grocery shopping, but I dont want to use any gas. I may end up getting a soda from the joint downstairs, cause I really want soda and it is gonna make me a much nicer person while packing. Toodles.

Do you keep my eyelashes on your pillowcase?

I think I'm over someone, and I could not feel better about it. All I have to ask is "How does it feel when you walk away and no one comes running after you?"
Did some design the other day for a band, and they haven't emailed me back about what I sent them, so I'm assuming that's a no. Seems to be a popular theme. Oh well, I may just finish it up anyway. I should have put a watermark on it, but for next time I'll remember to. Did another sketch in my gouache sketchbook that was supposed to be filled up by the end of the summa. Oops. I'll get working on that.
I had put some goals here for the summer, none of which look like they are gonna be finished. Oh well, I got to some other pretty damn good ones. Portfolio, website, being fucking happy!
Website, I might have to start from scratch on that one. I'll make it the same, jut remake every file, because my template file got deleted in the hard drive wipe, and it keeps being weird about making a new one. Practice makes perfect, more opportunities to learn, I say. Only took me like a week and a half the first time, so now that I have all the files and everything ready, it should go together pretty fast.
This is a bit of a copy paste post, " can i say that i have the greatest life ever? sorry if thats conceited im just fucking happy.



well i will be in the grand area of charm for...

7. 18 .08 &7.19 .

08
alltimelow valencia hitthelights

7. 31. 08 & 8. 1 .

08
picking up my life in ellicott city and moving to a house in phila, just so you have a place to crash in the north... haha

8. 8 .

08
FUCKING HALFWAY AT THE RECHER
and going to the hoco fair, im obligated."

sryiess. Baltimore, come out, you know you love me.
First paycheck from Chipotle is Friday! I have no clue what is going on with Pottery Barn Kids. They wanted me to work off Tues mornings, but I don't want to take off more hours at Chipotle 'til I actually get them at PBK. Still gotta pay for new house stuff and tattoo in November. Wow that is soon. So is school, I hope everything is smooth at the beginning of this semester. I'm not super worried about field hockey, we all know I'm bad and will never play. I'm ok with it, I'm still doing what I love. AIAS stuff should be awesome too.
House stuff is going well, just ironing out details of who's gonna be where, when and paying for what. Next step is setting up internet, cable and electric. Just have to figure out how to do that.
Woot. Teds coming over for a bit, and yea. I want to wake up at like 530 to run but that probabally won't happen. We'll see.

I think its time for you to move out of the city.

Had off work today. I was gonna clean, clean, but I did a whole lot of nothing. Slept in til 1230, ate two cupcakes, a bad-ish batch of pizza rolls, then headed off to the gym where I rowed intervals (1 min fast, 1min slow) for 17 mins, lifted legs and core, and then did the elliptical for 10 mins and got to 1.22 mi. Not half bad if I do say so myself. Showered, waited around way too long then rushed off to get to the bank before it closed.
Made it just in time. I transferred 10 dollars which I thought would be enough to cover rent and electric. I fucked up the number and now I'm still $6.41 short. I'll go tommarrow to fix it. Then I went to work real fast to fix an issue 'cause people can't hear over the phone and are too silly to confirm big issues when they're not sure what's going on.
The one guy, I think hes cute,but whatev. He doesn't notice me, but I ask him if the guy I was looking for and he was like "Meredith, oh damn, you're looking, shit." Haha brought my mood up. I was wearing a tight t shirt and booty shorts, that after my latest bout of image issues was extremely happy when they fit me today, with room. Hot damn! I still look flubby, but the issue for me is more (1)being competitive with myself and (2) not having to buy new clothes 'cause I don't fit into the old ones.
Came back, folded stuff and sorted it into boxes and packed winter clothes into a duffel. I'm tryna get as ready as possible for moving. I was nervous I was gonna need more boxes, but I think maybe only one or two more will do me. 'Cause now I have 3 suitcases, and one of those can handle stuff on hangers, so I might be able to use the boxes for at least part books until they're loaded up to breaking, and then some clothes on top. I just have a hell of alot of books. And books are heavy.
Sorry this was the worst blog post ever. Nothing really entertaining or creative. I'm just worn out from trying to get all the stuff that was on my computer back. Still missing 2 full days worth of music, 1000 pictures, and my whole website. You don't really realize how many passwords your computer stores til you try to get them back. Night.

So Angry.

Last night in Catonsville at St. Timothy's. Great show. Otherwise I'm in a bum mood, which I will explain later, but may taint the whole mood of this post. Anyway.
Armoretta with Jordan and Trevor. Amazing. Made me so happy. It was nice to be at a show with a jam like feel. (Regarding that it was me, Justin and like three kids who weren't in a band or working the show. A couple more people came later.) I really just want them to record a whole set as one track so I have something to interupt a playlist nicelyand get the full affect. God damn Dan has an amazing voice, you could tell he was pushing it, in a good way, and his voice for the most part came through. What a creative group. So good to see. I feel like a recording could never do them justice.
Ben. Delicious. I've been listening to him just from myspace, when the players work. "The Purpose" was stuck in my head for a whole month. He played acoustic/electric to a track and sang. And he did it damn well. "No body laughs anymore, ohh ohh..."
Victory by revenge. Jury's still out. They were young, playing a set with much older guys. They showed up basically right before theyre set, which could have been for anyreason, but that always pisses me off. It appears to be disrespectful and it does not help the fact that people will be skeptical because of your age. You're just proving them right. They had the energy, now they just need the practice. I would have like to see the vocals more developed. I always say that, I know.
Halfway to the Moon. Why I drove around 200 miles. I assume it was worth it. They did theyre thing. Lou is much better at singing than he thinks he is. Thats all I got.
Arden. First time seeing them, its only been four plus years in the making. I always looked up to Laurie, so therefore, nervous wreck. They did theyre thing. I still idolize them.
The show in general, small, but good. I got to see alot of people I've idolized and made me want to keep playing music live and in an intimate venue. Def, worth all the drama that ensued.
Drama. I did drive 3 hours, got my car fucked up, half a panic attack, and bumper to bumper traffic the whole way, to see a show. But that was basically all I got. One friend called to hang out while I was at the show, so I couldn't. Friday night, they're was nothing but no power, a couple beers with my mom, and a phone call I don't remember. (Cause I sleep talked not beer, he was drunk so he doesn't rememeber either.) It was nice to see my mom, and I washed and waxed my newly distroyed car. I discoved more damage when I was driving back this morning. I got treated like an ass by a person, and it sucks. I'm trapped and they're seems to be nothing to do about it. Fuck whatever. I parallel park on my street that he refuses to visit only to notice. No pillow. I left it. God damn. I've only started to be able to sleep this last week. I have no comforts left, except that I do have a home, but that only makes me worry more about moving in a month. No smell of home, no fish to come home to, my car is hated by anyone and everyone anyway, I'm begining to think its just because its mine. Oh yea, I did write what I think was an awesome song during HWTTM's set, but my voice is no longer cooperating. Whatever. Does anyone know where the escape hatch is?

Oh Dear.

Yesterday, just as I finish up a phone call with my mom, confirming I now have two jobs and such issues involved, it ends with "looks like life hit the up swing."
We made a new rule never to say that again.
I come home, Huckleberry Finn, my beloved fish, seems to be sluggish. Its happened before, I threw some food in the tank, he moves a bit but seems to be chilled out. A 10 mintute, 1600m row and 13+ biked miles later. Huckleberry is not moving, nothing. And his body already seems to be decomposing.
I'm about to cry as I read this. He was my replacement boyfriend. My fake family. Now no more filter hum to fall asleep to. Me and my roommate considered leaving him, so I could take him home and give him a proper burial, but I could not bear to see him start to float. So I put him in the toilet, but did not flush him until I had cleaned the tank and pebbles and had some time to sit on the tub and consider what my life is coming to.
Its really dumb how important he is to me. I had him since last August, which I'm told is a long time for a goldfish to live for, but I knew by the second day this was it. I called my momand told her, "I'm extremely emotionally attached to this fish." She didn't believe me 'til she met him herself, and she agreed that he was an awesome fish. My roommate doesn't understand, and it didn't help she was drunk at the time of me being the most upset. She still hugged me while I cryed and told me Sunday when I got back from Baltimore, we would make a roommate excursion to buy a new fish. I just don't think I can do it. I loved Huckleberry Finn, he was my damn fish friend.

Recently.

I've been very upset, trying to reconcile my past and whats whirlwinding around me. Last night, I slept for once, and I had a dream about my dad. The first good dream, probably in forever. I don't know how or why I would have dreamed about him when he was alive. But during my teenage years I was forced to face a "dark side" that I'm still not sure exists and I had many dreams about this "evil dad" I never knew. Last night was almost as if none of the disease had happened, that my parents had divorced as fate had to seemed to plan five years ago, and I was meeting him as though it was present day. Therefore I had been away and talking had been sparse. He was getting some Navy group together to be shipped off, only it was not very organized and looked more like a poor man's peace corps. But he was just as I really remembered him and I love him.
Another thing missing from the picture was something my dad always talked about, peppermint ice cream. He had made it as a boy and when I saw Paula Dean having a similar accent to my father's and using a ice cream maker, I suddenly wanted what I could not have. Me and milk are seeming to be one thing never to be reconciled, although I am lucky and it seems only milk it self promotes a shortage of breathing and soothed skin, and not butter and cheese. I still watch my proverbial culinary step, however.(Why I hate eating out for dates). While we only made it several times, it will always be associated with summer for me. The glory of the internet later, A Vegan Ice Cream Paradise. Though I can not link to the post itself, she has a chocolate peppermint ice cream recipe with a non chocolate version. I do have vegan cookie dough ice cream in the freezer, that will probably be gorged on in a minute, also after watching Alton Brown make banana ice cream. We have an old ice cream maker at the Baltimore house, but maybe I can ask for a small counter top version, but also for fried okra's sake, I want a deep fryer. See a trend?
Strangely, the dream also included Dave, a boy/man I went out with during last summer, who adored my father even though he knew little about him. He is also the closest to boyfriend material I ever had, even though we weren't perfect for each other, I don't doubt that we could have been good enough for each other. But I left for school and he left for base. That was that. But there he was, part of this mis-mashed group of people on a strange mission. For some reason I believe it was a radical/anarchist one. He had much longer hair, for it was halfway down his forehead when he always kept it closely shaved, though he had mentioned it being longer and "emo." And it was a silly red color. I liked it though, and now I feel bad for the fact I could not recognize the person in the dream until halfway through the morning.
Oh god, now they're doing a special on comfort food. I'm gonna eat the whole apartment.
In other news, supposed to hang out with certain kid, as usual, did not show up. We were supposed to get lunch and he let me know at 2 that he couldn't make the trip. (He lives a bit away, no idea the distance). I'm not surprised, I wasn't really expecting him to show up. Specially after our text message conversation ended with him asking about the guys I was more than hanging out with, me saying none, and him acting all surprised and probably thinking that he was special. He asked me why and I said, "I thought I deserved a real relationship. Or I stopped being worth it."
I have a way of ruining conversations.

i sent my life out to sea along time ago.

its been ship wrecked and burned
and even if i saw a small piece
floating like an island
i couldn't even swim
to rescue it.

hey you.

i've been trying to get into the relationship business for over two years now, no avail.



now i do have plenty guys of who's girlfriend needs a girlfriend; who don't mind me dating them, if i don't mind them dating other girls; guys who want to hook up and no ones allowed to know; guys who want girls without ambition above sex(def not me); guys scared to be seen with a punk girl, but they 'love' me; and then fickle guys who can't even begin to understand what i've been through.



so ive broken off all these silly fake relationships.



and i have way big hopes for jonathan who works at the wynnewood wholefoods. because of you man, i always buy less than 8 items so i can be in your line, not like i could afford more.



im a creep. the reciept is around here somewhere and i stare at you while you scan my organic ground chicken.



jonathan who works at the wynnewood wholefoods, do you have a dinner obligation?
i will make you okra with tomatoes and green chilies with chicken and bowtie pasta.



and i will never ask you for real.



after i wrote this, i found the receipt from when i first met him. and last night when i was in a rush i happened to put the most recent one with "Your cashier today is JONATHAN. Thank You For Shopping At Whole Foods Market Wynnewood." next to my bed. Oh man I am such a loser.

I think I'm used to life without you, so you can go now.

Staying up.

I finished my website, which of course, means 365 is behind again. It will be up to date later today. I'm just tired so its a bullet post.
-Lib today to scan in remaining images for portfolio and website.
-Food like cheese, soda and chicken are needed.
-Cleaning, really, really need to do that.
-Sleep. Tryna change my schedule back to one where going to sleep at 5 am is normal. I did work out a schedule where sleep happens at 9:30 am.
-UPS orientation/warehouse tour tonight. I'm nervous.
-Group interview at California Pizza Kitchen tomorrow. I'm glad cause they're gonna train me to be a server which no one else wants to do. AKA more job opportunities down the line.
-Pottery Barn Kids, yea I don't think thats happening.
-Putting an interest deposit down on our house. Yes.
-Went to Whole Foods and got my kinda food.
-Learning and understanding, that the way I grew up was much different than other people, and I'm okay with it. I think I may be more 'damaged' but I'm much better off.
I think thats everything. 30 more minutes and then I can finally crash.

Hell Yes.

Finally got a job. Its a night job at the ups at the airport. I think it will be good. Wow this is lack luster right now, but I'm trying to push back my schedule I was to what it was earlier in the summer/break, when this week I was trying to get a normal schedule back. Whatever I am really excited, even if i can't put it into words. How bout this, benefits, tuition reimbursement, weekends off. Sound good? Hell yea.
I remembered half way through the day that I had this really weird dream about this guy I dated or try went on one date with. We were at some sort of halloween party and duh, he wouldn't leave me alone, and followed me around and I kept walking away from him. And we were in a school, like my high school, but a little more confusing hallways, and we just kept walking at the same pace until he eventually ran to catch up to me. And it was the usual like what happened, blah blah. I do, in this suddenly guy free situation, feel bad about that. But did he feel bad about trying to cop a feel before I left, never to return again? Did he feel bad when we got in to a spat in a crowd in the parking lot of where we met, and of course I shot fire. (sorry coming back hard in a fight has always been one of my few skills). He started the fight I won. I started the relationship, and I walked away. Other people have told me hes a player, and I'm sure I am too. I knew when I started liking him, it was a game, he was just a goal I had to achieve. I admit it that I took it too far to a date, but then I thought it could be something real. I didn't realize that he was that much younger and that he would lose the courtesy that had attracted me to him would leave as soon as we got in to the real world. I guess we were both faking. I was hoping for an honest, well just fade away. He assumed that I was gonna come to Maryland to see him, when I was actually going home for my sister's wedding. He thought I could shove in the time, when I didn't even get to see my one friend who I love honestly and deeply. Did he really think I would make that kind of trip for someone I'd known less than a month? That we'd gone on one date. When I walked out of that date, it just gave me many reasons not to come back. So I didn't. I have a home here, and I don't need some kid whose never left home to make it for me. I got it my damn self.

Cutting the ties that bind.

The golden boy always had the golden life. (And I'm not in it).

Welcome to the Floor.

i really dont know what to do with myself

and this no job situation

and my whatever ignoring me

it makes me think that i broke boundaries by leaning on him when i thought things were about to collapse

now their going for the floor.


ive been on the floor

ive lived on the floor

slept and dreamed on the floor

so for now thats what im gonna do.


I WILL BE STRONGER-SYG

JUST KEEP MAKING MUSIC-SAM DIXON

thats just what im going to do.

blah-og.

I haven't posted in a while, or at least it feels like it. Its only been 6 days, and thats probably because I haven't updated 365 Puddles in probably longer. Whatev, I'm a horrible person I know.
Well this weekend I went to the good old baltimore. I really enjoyed it, even though they're were very silly and unnecessary things involved, it was good. Hadn't seen a show in forever and the whole point of coming down was to see the show. Nice, I love trips like that. Went to the ottobar to see halfway to the moon, the sophomore attempt, ...promise, mercy mercedes, and interstate north.
So good to see halfway live. This was their first show and a damn good one at that. Especially damn good for me because I've been stopping in on them recording which means I never get to hear the full song all together. So that was good, and I wasn't quite sure they were gonna be my style but around two weekends ago, I stopped by Justin's on my way back to philadelphia to make him and ben food and get some frisbee in. Hearing the vocals made me believe a lot more, I've always been one to fall in love with vocals. And it was good to see the guys.
The sophomore attempt I've been hearing on myspace for a while so it was convient to be able to see them live. They were good, and they had a hardcore group of youngun's to see them. It was mildly creepy though. And if that didn't make me feel old enough, they were like "we've been hearing this song on the radio a lot so we know all you guys will like it." I had no fucking clue what the song was, I know I've heard the hook before, but otherwise, total loss. I feel bad saying I felt old when a guy I was talking to on myspace felt that he was the oldest person there.
...promise, I feel like they've been getting shit on by the scene, but I think they're good. They played a lot of bullshit shows when the bands giving them crap never had to. I'm also biased cause I played with some of those guys for a while. So as usual good to see them.
Mercy mercedes, good, that guys voice is still kinda in my head. I heard they just got signed and are gonna tour with farewell, which is how I heard about them in the first place. I still kinda feel like their was something a little off about their set, but I was tired so god knows if they're was really something to be done. And I've never heard their studio recordings so yeah, I just feel like maybe they're was some electronic piece missing, or maybe I'm comparing them too much to farewell?
Interstate north, I don't know. Not really my style and I'm nervous to say it, they might be past their prime. I hate that, but they're was just nothing really to catch me on to it.
In other news, we went to BK tonight. Sooo bad for me, especially cause I haven't ran in forever. It was cause I was lazy, and now its cause of this damn heat. I'm so glad this is abnormal, or at least for now. But anyway, the BK a couple blocks down was closed off and locked, so we drove maybe 20 minutes to get BK. haha we have no lives.
Speaking of no life, still no job. I found an awesome graphic/marketing job at a Philadelphia venue, but I am by no means qualified. Damnit.
Now that was a pretty decent post. I think I might go to sleep early. Even thought I woke up at 11 and napped from 6-9. oh well.

This.

i want someone to sit oustide with me when its 4 am and the birds are waking up and no one else is.

Dreams.

During my evening nap, I had two dreams. One, that I had had a baby and the dream ended with me photoshopping the father out of a picture of the three of us. With the baby upright, back against my stomach in my arms, I was perfectly fine with out a man. The second had the interest of white century schoolbook on the background of flesh composited from my right lower back and left cheek. The way I woke up both these locations were on the same parallel as if I were twisting them towards the sun.

where did it go?

Today, I'm afraid I lost count of the life I was living.

Gouache.

So I'm painting, or was until I got totally engrossed in Matthew Woodson's Life, nothing new there. I'm glad I'm painting, and I came up with what I think is a pretty sweet concept for an album I have never heard, but they asked for graphics so some how I came up with it. The band is called The Great Escape and they're new full length is called "It's Unattractive to Say These Things." So I was exploring the stereotypical idea of "the great escape" and someone driving an old beater car away into the sunset. So several stock and google image searches later, it kinda became this idea of this regular, imperfect girl, gets sick of it all with out hating her life. Shes not running away, shes getting away, she doesn't need to grow, she needs other people to. So she drives her beater out of the 'burbs into the desert, it breaks down and thus she pushes it on. At the same time theres this guy that has a suit and tie job, and he realizes that he knows nothing about himself, so he flat out fucking runs, brief case and everything, cause thats all he has of himself. He sees the mirage of her and blahty blah. he helps her push during the night, and at one point they sit down and he says to her, while the sun rises behind them, "There's a life left for me in your rear view mirror."
I feel like its very stereotypical, but I don't want their to be a solution, I don't want there to be a love story. Just two common people who commonly need to be 'away.' You don't even know if they become friends, they just are.
At the same time it makes me nervous, cause it seems like alot of my concept and the wealth of what I'e been feeling the last couple days, which is what I guess most design is, but I'm wondering if I might be losing the band's ideas. However after I said I would do it, I haven't heard back from them to even hear if they have ideas.
It is a good thing, because it is the start of my gouache sketchbook for the summer. It's one of my summer goals, even though I don't believe it is an original one. So yesterday I picked up a little 3.5" x 5.5" Moleskine. It's this idea of sketching to the nth degree, almost completing something that can't be completed. At the end of the day its still just in a sketch book.
I also picked up a black pastel paper pad and a warm grey and cool grey pastel. I have this grand idea of sketching buildings I love really simply. Once the idea of a more permanent sketch. (It took me 20 minutes to figure out how to spell 'permanent' so I forgot what else I was going to say, if anything.)
I have like 3 shirts folded and the rest is all thrown around. And I want to run around 5 everyday. I had no clue today went by so fast.

Answers.

What's wrong with you?
What's up with you?
What happened to your head?
The things I'll never be able to answer.
Everything I'll never be able to understand
All be cause you gave up on me
Leaving with the stupid question on your lips,
What happened to you?

Nutrition.

In the last two days, I have had 7 cookies, 2 hot dogs, 7 crackers with cheese, probably over 7 cans of Coca Cola, 2 cans of strawberry Fanta and 2 full to the brim glasses of wine. I don't know why 2 and 7 appear so much, but its occuring to me I should eat.
I'm hosting a bachelorette party, and it seems that I am the only one doing anything. Oh yea, and I don't live in Ellicott City anymore, so I'm doing this just in the last week. I guess e-mailing people asking for areas people could help in, doesn't work, even though two weeks before, everyone wanted in on the action. Whatever, I just want my sister to have a good time. I'm off to make food for other people to eat, which I cannot, because I have no money or time left to look for alternatives I can eat. Fuck it.

365.

So I caught up 365 Puddles to only be 2 weeks behind, so sad. I was doing so well, but hopefully my grades will reflect the time spend away. And thank you blogger for you past post thing, because it makes 365 just format right on the page now.
I'm in the apt, at least all my stuffs here, doesn't really mean I'm all moved in.
I'm tired, night.

the middle-woman is tired, i need a break, i need to study, i need to sleep.

my poor little heart, don't take their criticism.

isn't it?

its always nice to know that no matter how awful the days are we still have our awkward, undying love.

i only believe what i see on tv.

apparently my sneezes are disturbing the peace in the lib

Ugh.

So I was good and looked at those red-lines, my proffesor changed all this stuff she said was fine before. Why is it wrong now? Some of it is influential parts of my design. Errr. I guess its good I have class at one so I can bug her about all this stuff.

Goals.

So since its all springy and therefore I don't feel like looking at red-lines (edited drafted drawings), I will post. I've finally been sleeping normal and I have to say that it is pretty amazing, however 24 hour studios just started so I doubt that will continue. In other news, I have at least 2 rolls of fisheye film that needs to be developed, but the place around the corner is crap, so I have to find a better place that develops real film and scans them to digital as well. I remeber taking them to CVS in Manayunk once and there was some issue I'm guessing with the machine, which I can't really remember what the issue really was.
Moving is coming up soon and now that its a month away?(I can't plan that far in advance), I am totally not prepared.Yeah, thats my desk, so all that crap is going to get shoved into a box and probably not be opened till December where I will have moved again and might have time to unpack. Crazy. Since where I'm living over the summer doesn't really have an unpacking option because I will be moving again in less than two months, I have made goals for myself;
(1)Finish reading all the books I've accumulated.
Or at least all the ones up here, I have a bad habit of buying more books than I can read or leaving them off halfway through.
(2)Learn guitar again.
I've been lost for melody as I've been writing lyrics, but with no new melodys or ways to convey them I'm in a rut.
(3)Get money for living expenses, supplies for the semester and a road bike.
I love my hybrid Trek and how obnoxiously large I bought it and the fact it was one of the first things I bought all by myself, however its not suiting its purpose. I want more of a commute and work out bike. Aka a lighter road frame, hybrid wheels and tires and drop and aero bars. The standard handlebars aren't condusive to 'pushing it' on Kelly Drive, and I've always wanted aeros. No idea what I want gear wise and if I want to get clip in pedals or standards or one of those fancy both way things. I think I'm likely to go for some lightweight metal ones that at least have traction when wet. I'm a girl but I'm really sick of 'racking it' when I slip off in the rain.
Sweet, maybe I'll go do some work now.

i really meant to check the weather today
to see if it believed in me

Giving up.

I really thought I had something going with a guy, i know iknow the usual. But as usual, i thought this was different. Now I'm just ready to write him off. I'm pretty sure its just me being neurotic and wanting to prove no one is perfect enough for me. I'm not even gonna detail the problem here cause I will prove myself to be crazy. Oh well, I need to read and because of the fucked up schedule he rubbed off on me, I will be doing it now rather than the normal time people use.

whatever this is.

im tired. im worn out. i partied two days in a row and loved it. i got some work done today, an axon detail, most of the pieces cut out for a model, and an elevation. i ran/walked 8.5 miles and it took me over two hours. it was nice i got to relax and people watch and get a supposed work out in. i really believe in this, "whatever you call this feeling of blissfully loving where your life is going with out having the map," that i've said before. i want things to happen, but i don't feel the pressure to make it. i'm happy. i have a whatever, an although i wish i could talk to him all the time, i realize hes just another person, and if i can't give it, i can't expect it. i'm holding strong. im falling down the full-grip sub-surface stairs and laughing it off, the rain helps me breath easier, and dancing in the street is joyful, not dangerous.

Again

the things i should never really bring myself to think about.

today.

whatever you call this feeling of blissfully loving where your life is going with out having the map.

of all the things to never come, forgivness is just a dream.

Crafty Pants.

So I have a secret love affair with crafting blogs, and since I origianlly had trouble making favors with what I saw on other blogs for bridal shower favors. I'm hosting a potluck linen style for my sister. Guests are asked to help with food for everyone and bring linen gifts for the bride. Haha, and I just have to say I'm writing this while wearing a tee that says "I will see you in hell" on it. Oh Irony!

I found these cupcake holders that I though would be good for the whole potluck theme. Plus they were only $2 at a specialty cooking store in our mall. I think even if it was a generic small containter it would work too.

Yea, alot of them. Actually only 17, which I though was small, but the lady still had a snipy comment for me. I guess a punk girl getting favors for a bridal shower is shocking, however me just being a punk girl was always shocking enough around here, anyhoo.

I got a set of tags, light colored tissue paper and a roll of woven ribbon.I cut the ribbon at about 18" and threaded the tags on. You can write on the tags, but I didn't find a ink that really worked on them, so I just left them plain. Yea wasteful decoration, its cute okay? Then I skewed two different colors of tissue, wrapped it around the cupcake holder and then tied the ribbon to close it off. I moved the tag closer to the bow and ta-da!Not the greatest thing in the world but good enough damn it, I like it.
I put them in a basket to look pretty. This is only half of them 'cause I'm and idiot and didnt check how many sheets of tissue paper was in the pack.I alternated colors and such. I think it looks good.

Today.

Humm i just heard this Jamie T song, "Shelia" and its hot. Its like british white boy rap and I love it.
So I started doing a design for a the Used t shirt, and found out it was due the 13th when I thought it was due the 2oth. Oh well, I've been digging the idea anyway.
I really, really want to see A Wilhelm Scream tonight with the Unseen and Crack and Divide. But the kid I can go with, was like "I'll go if the people I'm recording today are okay with stopping." And they went to Balti to do stuff and theyve been gone for about two hours. Which means they probably got nothing laid today, and they probably want to use tonight to catch up. Crap. I really, really wanted to go. He doesn't get me at all, but hes the only one who go with me.
Man, Fashion's "Solo Impala" is hott too.
Whatev. Maybe I'll go on an adventure somewhere. I'm feeling photographic. Even though I suck at it.
And All Time Low were just on fuse. So weird, same area, same age. Makes me wonder if I made the right choice even though its stereotypicaly the right choice to go to school. Fucks me up sometimes.

ew.

I have only 2 and a half pages of a paper, I just can't write. It's due tommorrow and I think I'm gonna keep working on it, but not kill myself over it. I'm also behind on working out, but now I'm sick and sleepy all the time.
I really need to clean before break. A guy friend came into my room and said, "Damn , I'm messy but holy shit." Oops.
BTdubs, garden salsa sun chips are horrible. But I'm eating them anyway.

Monsoon.

Philadelphia turned into the rainforest today. I got nothing done really. I finished drafting a sheet for my building tech class and I did some research for my east asia class so yea nothing.
I got real nervous cause my check engine light came on and I really don't want to spend money on things like that right now. As well, I found out why a third of my computer screen is almost black. Sun damage? Really? Apparently yes. So I guess I have to rearrange my impossible dorm furniture. Crap. And those dorm walls? They hurt. When I woke up and tried to rest my head on a pillow, I hit my head on the concrete, jail like walls. Its like they don't want us digging through to other rooms, being hospitable to each other. Ehh I should pack up from the studio and figure out this desk situation.

Sickie.

So I'm sick. One of the school guards told me that it sounds like I have that new untreatable flu. great. He did tell me that if I drank I would feel better, we'll see if I can work on that tonight. Also due to my intolerance to the world I threw up in the studio while the aforementioned guard was trying to get us out. The process caused the blood vessels in my face to burst and now my face is basically a lot of little tiny bruises that look like my face got ironed.
Yup, the whole being clean and organized thing isn't quite working out because I keep telling myself I need a chance to relax. I did work out though, so I guess I'm better than that. I have a class soon, so I guess after that I'll go to the library and at least do somethings to get work for the weekend started. I did laundry today! Which was nice, but I didn't get to fold because I felt so bad this morning. Maybe I'll do that after I go to the library. I should stop by the studio considering I did nothing yesterday. I doubt there will be anything to go out to, so yea, I will continue to have no social life. Now out into the rain!

After Crit Love

I had a crit today. It went really well, but I definitely need to produce faster, I had stuff that wasn't done, but it was attempted. They said I had improved greatly since midcrit and that I really thought sculpturally. Damn straight. I guess everytime I just have to do shit my own way. They always love it when I do.
With the whole not producing fast enough, the rest of my life kinda went to shit. I missed a field hockey practice, missed one run day last week and didnt do anything this week. My laundry was all over the place so that will be done tommorrow morning and then I'll run and maybe lift after my first class and some food. Folding laundry always is a good stress reliever. And I cleaned a bit, including getting laundry into some sort of container to do. I want this place to be sparkling before break. Especially my desk. I would like to set it up so I can have my Wacom out all the time and get used to using it now. I can't wait to live in a real place. Just a book case would be awesome.

Wow.

I got up at 8, 830, 9. I have been really tired and I went to bed around 3 so I figureI deserve it Well my brain is dead and my fingers shot so this will be short. From 11 am to 1 am I have been in the studio. 14 hours, 85% of my awake hours. shit.

Just Keep Drinking Water.

Everything seems to be good, now I feel like I'm actually living, not just floating. I'm not completely there, but at least I know now that I can get out of a funk. I found out people were thinking about me and people were not. I think its a good sign, and with a person not liking me, no reason to get cute to get dirty at the studio.
I feel like I'm doing well on studio work, but tommorrow is the crucial day to tell. If I get alot of work done in the wood shop and get at least a floor plan inked, I'll be good. The problem is I want to ink the floor plan in class at 1 before I use the trace version to make the model. But the shop closes at 5 or 6. So maybe I'll ink, cut out the pieces I already have measured out, then see if I have time to get some more cuts done. The tow pieces I have measured out are the ceiling and floor planes, so since I made most of the light fixtures tonight, I will be able to glue them on. I'm nevervous cause I have alot of the details in progress and I'm worried I might miss out on the big stuff. Well, at least I'm on pace getting stuff done for now. Now bed time.